Realities, Roleplays & Rationalizations

A couple of minutes ago, I was havin’ the BEST time of my LIFE but I just have to be a SPOILer L

It all started when we get back just a few days ago, suddenly we were texting, saying ‘hi’’ asking how have we both been, telling what’s new… just a few sms of coping up the old days. She was after all, the best part of my PAST. I find it good, no… I LOVEd it!!! Who wouldn’t LOVE that?!? Huh?? Well, just a few hours ago, well maybe many hours ago… we were both texting nice things, how she’s enjoying the new company she has now as she studies for the upcoming December NLE’s, the place is nice, her fave subject, her awesome dream… it was a DAY like the same DAYs we had before. The afternoon went through as we exchanged good replies and all too fun queries and answers… the night came and we both got home, I was busy with stuff for an upcoming Family Trip as she was reading some stuff to study.

All she wanted was a hug and I gave it all too much… we BOTH know it was something to pass time, I think?? But why did we both fell serious for it, she was SERIOUS for it! And so was i!?

SMS goes,

Me: “I hugged you back, kissed your forehead…”

Her: “I hold on to you… tight”

Me: “I held you close, placed my arms around you…”

Her: “I hold on more…”

Me: “I turned and look straight to your eyes….”

Her: “stared back…”

Me: “I just want to KISS you!”

And everything was ancient… it was the BEST 3 minutes but I just have to spoil it…

Me: “I don’t want it to end, but I think I don’t deserve this…”

Her: “Why?”

Me: “I don’t know…”

Then and there we knew, it was just like before… we’re far from each other. We can’t feel the same emotions we had THEN for each other?? Do we?? Should we?? And it was the LONGest 1 minute silence I’ve ever had. It was just a sudden BLISS, an outburst of TRUE emotions but too flawless to be REAL. Was it??

Then I urged myself a reply and few more minutes before I could’ve killed myself she replied of how sorry she was too. It was my fault. I know how she is with emotions? But why did I make myself fall for it too… we summed up everything-----I SUMmed up EVERY thing,

Me: “don’t think about it, ayt?!”

        “…blame it on the rain, I guess.”

Her: “I guess so.”

And so the topic changed. I find this night quite ME being ME all over again… breaking up a very good relationship, destroying LOVE even before it touches me, idiotically not knowing how to GIVE back something worth the TRY, and most, being apathetic on somebody’s PLIGHT that is ME.

Will I ever be this old, grumpy man who never found LOVE??

Will I always break another heart??

Will I ever be happy with myself-----Alone??

It sucks, you know… I keep on blaming myself on how LOVE-less I am when I don’t learn from mistakes and if I do, it’s already over! I keep on sayin’, 

“Ah, I think these are moods”, 

“I’m fine…”, 

“I’ll get over this…”

How can I be such a prick??! An idiot to the point of being unloved…

How can I search for LOVE?? And then breaking apart from it just because I don’t know what would happen next??

One thing’s for sure… even if knowledge was bestowed on me, my HEART will always search for meaning and I will have to be MINDless of LOVE.

...Of Life and Music...

It has had been months now since I’ve started listening to Thai songs, and even with that span of time I still could not understand the darn language! I’ve tried learning once but it took me an hour before I said I was bored. It’s too darn difficult, I’m a language freak but it seems listening to it would just do me less of a favor. Come a few days I have been to a lot of stress, physically, mentally and most, emotionally… events laid plainly for me to see that just came all too soon. But then, this morning just a couple of minutes before I started writing this blog I came into a realization…

…yes, I have indeed been listening to songs from a different language and truthfully I don’t understand a thing about it but I just couldn’t stop listening it might be because I LOVEd the movie where it all started or perhaps it was the tune, the hymn and the message that the artist wants to make his/her listeners get from hearing the song.

Then and there I just have thought, LIFE may just be like this indulgence, no matter how hard we try to understand the language of LIFE, we may pose a lot of questions without getting answers at all… it is when we listen to it that we understand what it means, it is with the HYMNs and the RHYTHM behind every trials that we grow… and that makes it all worth living and worth listening.

I was ready to post a full length status to my FB when I say, “what the heck? I’ve got a blog!” and so off I went and doodled it in.

I would love everyday that I have to wake up and face another chapter to live like it was my last.

I will keep on asking questions and hope for answers.

And like anything else, I would keep on listening to these Thai songs.

What’s your flavor?

I know, I know. The title would really be confusing after you read this but I really think it would sound nice. I was doin’ some marinate and it took me awhile to realize that I missed something else, an ingredient so fine that when you just add it up everything would fall into place and there inside the fridge, clanking as I opened the fridge door was the long-necked figure of a bottle of vodka! Isn’t it FUN or what?? I opened the cap and there it was, like some perfume soothing the cilia of my nostrils was the strong aroma of intoxication (speaking like a CRAZEd alcoholic).

Just a few drops and the marinate was a PERFECT tummy tumble… uh-umm.

I can smell it’s slow effect on the marinate as chicken broth, citrus extracts, crushed garlic, minced onions, soy and vinegar flowed in unison inside the small Tupperware full of chicken.

Liquor, wine and spirits are like HEAVEN sent for me, you might think I am so into it that I am addicted but No! I’m not! It’s just that the first time I ever tasted them it was the sort of gastronomique experience every living food lover and wine lover would say, “well AGEd…”.

Drinking alcohol was never a taboo in our family, I could even remember the time my father used to tell the story when I got drunk when I was like 6 years old out of a few SIPs on a San Miguel Pilsen (imagine!?!?), I just passed out like some boxer knocked down, rolling my eyes to an endless ball of white sclera and just a few hours of dozing I woke them up, me of course---crying complaining how my head aches and feeling dizzy and all unknown to me that I just have my first hangover. Being the eldest, I would be the first, which means FIRST in almost EVERY thing so the luxury of tasting whatever my father brings home from work was all mine for the taking. Wine, Champagne, even some Whiskey, Brandy and the ones that burn your throats but I had my tongue on drinking Wine and Champagne, which I preferred much, I consider these two as water of the gods and goddesses when I’ve read about Greek history (what do you call that drink again?? Oh yeah, and I have to Google it!!) when I reached my book-ish years-----it’s like my very own Nectar & Ambrosia (there you go!).

It was good then… tasting all those drinks. We are social drinkers, ALL of us and I mean our entire family. We share a drink at social events, mostly reunions, my father usually saves a bottle or two from his journeys and share with close relatives, friends and maybe some guests, while my mom would go for the wine, healthier and less intoxicating. At my growing years, these drinks were never a common guest nor were it a party spoiler. It was the LIFE and I can say the LIFE of every EVENT.

But my tongue was never meant to taste only a few, come college was the FEAT of my experiences. Then and there drinking was the JOY of every MAN. It was like getting your own birth rights for drinking sparingly with friends, getting drunk all over and experiencing hangover like it was last week I had one… it was FUN. College years especially the last two years was the busiest and those times were spent more in books, papers to be done and sometimes a good escape from it would be spending a face-to-face take with one “BOTTLES” of light beer, a few laughs and some twirl walking when going home. I survived. It was a STRESS reliever, even if I may have been HONEST with my parents about it, they sure know I have been TASTE-ing LIFE for myself without even reaching 21. How’s that?!

But I never took my studies for granted, I passed my degree… aced it, I think. Lessons were also learned during those days… not a day especially when I’m havin’ a hangover would I say, “I WILL not drink… no. I really won’t” but these lines will just have to repeat on paraphrased forms. I think drunken-ness does not imply that a person is an alcoholic or is addicted to it. He or she may just be passin’ away time, stress (perhaps) or maybe problems (even it is so not a good idea), and even getting your own way of dealing with a boring review (getting tipsy and laugh out a question from the lecturer). People drink for a cause, no matter what their reasons may be as long as one controls it or discipline him/herself there is nothing wrong with a little indulgence. A kick from your gizzard can do the trick.

So like I said, this blog would really sound weird but I love the confusion…

So what is it then?? What’s your flavor?!

...i don't know...

Waking up from last night’s emotional drunkenness, I feel sore, my mind still in a hangover of premature emotional outburst (which I have felt all these few days), my body doesn’t want to move… all I want to do is curl and freeze to nothingness.

I looked up and the sun was already shining, opened the laptop and saw a lot of things to do from greeting friends and saying my wishes to most people then when it’s over, another blank space waited, hanging, longing for something to fill it in, I took up the courage to bring a thought out of my hungry mind, yawning as I muster words of indelible vacancy, the words came out like water from a faucet at drought-----dripping, slowly in big droplets. It was pure nonsense yet again. I succumbed to its embrace as time flies into my room.

I have had this once and thereafter I swore to never fall for it again. But why now, why on some idiotic emotional stability should I ever grace myself to fall under its claws, get caught on its unnerving strength which I have triumphantly avoided for many years now? And most, why should this come by as confusion??

I’m breaking status quo, I’m breaking rules, barriers I never thought existed, principle I have tried to bless with foundations of extreme acumen and precise logical sufficiency in order for this rowdy emotional disability to be avoided, to be put away, to scurry off like it has no right of even touching me.

I feel sick… like no other disease. Yes! I know! For me this feeling that makes my stomach tumble, do somersault and the kind of thing that just makes me want to puke my heart out is an illness so pure that no man should resist. This could’ve been tolerable, if only it was simple. If only it doesn’t break regulations if only it complies with stereotypical beliefs… but this has to be complicated, something I never thought would dawn on me.

Like havin’ fever at summer, cold sweats at night, a laugh at your every sight, unexplained tears when I needed a hug… I just think I’m in LOVE.

But I can’t! Just can’t!

I was doing myself a favor, and so was I doing the persons around me a mistake that they should never be near me as close to intimacy. I was on the right path, a place where I find the solace of silence and simple appreciation a home worth living for… but why should this happen??

I thought, this might be loneliness, a search for a being I should be with… but then, I was happy to be with me, myself and I. Battling the beliefs, that “Man without Love, is a broken Man” and that, “No Man is an Island”…

I am not…

I will not…

I cannot…

Some secret...

I never find something interesting in my existence but my own tolerance to emotions… dark some of my friends would quote me. Succinct at expression. Apathetic in words. Sarcasm as my second name. I would often smile at these, laugh it out with a few friends or just be deaf on what else goes after the melody of scrutiny.

Yet there is but ONE emotion that has always been blamed for its imprecise nature. One that has all romantic stories not a story if this isn’t the topic of its plot. This feeling that made Romeo and Juliet wage war with the world… you just know where I’m heading to.

It may sound a bit a little hopeless but this rowdy feeling have me haunted for days now, don’t know why?? Not even sure for what reasons should it come by knocking my door.

I think being emotionally compromise makes this all worth the time to just even write this foolish post.

Or it may sound undeniable; I can laugh at the truth.

Just because I have so much in mind...

It’s half past 9pm and by this time I would rather be sleeping or just plainly getting busy with my mind to think of some person I should not even think about… so to speak, I was totally bored waiting for somebody to poke around facebook and just talk. As usual, I’m bored! I know, right?!

My mind is in a whirlwind of what to blog about, oh, the voting was interesting?? Was it?? It never will be, just the same scenes of people and parties trying their best to ruin one another and the media trying to make the whole country a mediocre. Even if I don’t get these media men, whatever their motives are… it sucks to show how truth hurts. Anyways, political agendas are for those concerned with it… and as a citizen of this country I should do my part in reaching out and become aware of it, I think I’m not doing well.

I was s’pose to go biking this afternoon, but the rain just has to be quite a spoiler, it was s’pose to be a good Bike Date with a good friend, just tryin’ out the old times where she, me and my other friend used to reach far flung areas of this ancient city with a few pedals, jeers and races we used to have. It was so good then, when all we can think about is play, fool around, bike trekking, getting chased by dogs and racing with one another and when we get tired, just off we go to a slightly high mound of earth and watch as the sunset lay beyond the trees, embracing the entire sub-urbs with darkness. It was childhood and sure I miss it-----everyday.

But as I’ve said, “…the rain just has to be quite a spoiler.”

And while I was hoping that the rain would stop (which did so NOT), I thought to myself, I may have missed the whole world of childhood looking how things went so fast for me, I may not have experienced Life if I stayed there that long. I may not have cherished it this much. I was laughing at myself for being an adult at the same time wishing I was a child even more.

And like all days that pass as by, it has to be over, so I went home soaking wet… it bugged me a bit thinking that I get sick too easy on the other hand, I say, “Nah… it taste better”.

news : LustralBoy.com

news : LustralBoy.com

How Addicted to Facebook Are You? Quiz - The Oatmeal

How Addicted to Facebook Are You? Quiz - The Oatmeal

An Overseeing

Life has all the opportunities it can give us. The existence of trials that we all have to surpass and overcome will continue to haunt the strength hiding in ever soul wanting that same goal to be known. A paradoxical inception of personal growth and self-searching that in the means of external urges can only be awakened by some force unknown to most of us but in all its mysteries and mysticism it can prove the innate being in what we have a foreseeable weapon for progress.  

Ante-Divinus

The pretense of an existing correlative situation is that there is no bounds to what the truth may is rather than the speculation of what is implied and produced by what the mind is requesting for. Nothing is compared to a reference of thought and incredulous misconception that the currency of what matters. Pure ignorance refutes the entirety of a fact and its principles of right against wrong. The foregoing introspect of mindless ideology that adheres or so connives with the query of what is gained and introduced in the context is the mere collaboration of skepticism and not that beliefs guarantee the evidence of a self-defined issue. Any thoughts therein are that the concluding paranoia of this preposterous outburst is the simplicity of a tell-off to oneself and the abdication of a grave defiance to morals and founded values specifically to ones self-respect.