...i don't know...

Waking up from last night’s emotional drunkenness, I feel sore, my mind still in a hangover of premature emotional outburst (which I have felt all these few days), my body doesn’t want to move… all I want to do is curl and freeze to nothingness.

I looked up and the sun was already shining, opened the laptop and saw a lot of things to do from greeting friends and saying my wishes to most people then when it’s over, another blank space waited, hanging, longing for something to fill it in, I took up the courage to bring a thought out of my hungry mind, yawning as I muster words of indelible vacancy, the words came out like water from a faucet at drought-----dripping, slowly in big droplets. It was pure nonsense yet again. I succumbed to its embrace as time flies into my room.

I have had this once and thereafter I swore to never fall for it again. But why now, why on some idiotic emotional stability should I ever grace myself to fall under its claws, get caught on its unnerving strength which I have triumphantly avoided for many years now? And most, why should this come by as confusion??

I’m breaking status quo, I’m breaking rules, barriers I never thought existed, principle I have tried to bless with foundations of extreme acumen and precise logical sufficiency in order for this rowdy emotional disability to be avoided, to be put away, to scurry off like it has no right of even touching me.

I feel sick… like no other disease. Yes! I know! For me this feeling that makes my stomach tumble, do somersault and the kind of thing that just makes me want to puke my heart out is an illness so pure that no man should resist. This could’ve been tolerable, if only it was simple. If only it doesn’t break regulations if only it complies with stereotypical beliefs… but this has to be complicated, something I never thought would dawn on me.

Like havin’ fever at summer, cold sweats at night, a laugh at your every sight, unexplained tears when I needed a hug… I just think I’m in LOVE.

But I can’t! Just can’t!

I was doing myself a favor, and so was I doing the persons around me a mistake that they should never be near me as close to intimacy. I was on the right path, a place where I find the solace of silence and simple appreciation a home worth living for… but why should this happen??

I thought, this might be loneliness, a search for a being I should be with… but then, I was happy to be with me, myself and I. Battling the beliefs, that “Man without Love, is a broken Man” and that, “No Man is an Island”…

I am not…

I will not…

I cannot…