Sense.

The coarse wood, the deafening bell… There is silence yet the chimes of hymns a melancholic noise. 

That one point of clarity. I have faith, or at least I still have it and that my life makes sense.

I look up above and I ask none of too many wishes ought saying, I pondered on and all I hear are voices of a physical world. So I prayed and prayed even more. 

All Significantly Foolish.

It was almost 10:00pm, just a few more minutes until it strike and say, I’m way past my bedtime. Thoughts in a twirl of hexagonal proportions like that double helix structure of a DNA strand, everything seem so complex yet somehow simple as a whole. I was not making sense of myself and so I went out, the keys dangling in my pocket, the slight move of my legs echoing the ringing of the clutch. The engine starts…

3 hours later… 1:18am. Monday.

Finding my lonesome self in a blank space with my reflections waiting to unfold right before my eyes slowly getting filled with stuff I don’t even know existed or at least they try to not exist at all.

At times I would look at my true mirror image and see that emotions lay hidden surrounded by skin and muscles, flat and mystified, I haven’t seen that kind of being in years… I was pretty sure that I was looking adamant of everything.

But I was scorned, always has been much to my own dismay.

And so what I can do best is try to just regain sanity like I always do, sigh and think what I should be saying right.

So here goes…

Have you ever dreamed of a place only made of two?

I would be foolish if I haven’t thought of a place where I can just be myself and care no more,

A green meadow where I can just lay down, watch the sky and admire,

Eyes closed, breathing in fresh air, feeling the wind as it kisses your cheeks.

Where we can be what we are without bounds… utopia? Not really.

Some place in some time where everything else is normal.

A place unimagined, a place not just a figure of speech.

Where there is solace, where there is… Us.

Never used that word… like ever in my lifetime. Just now. Or maybe for some time.

“Remember the first time we held each other, how magical it was… I’m over exaggerating, it was decent and sweet. You know what I felt? You never knew. It was more than just rage from being broken hearted; I never thought something so sweet like that was lost long ago from some promiscuous adventure. I was feeling stupid but I can’t help feeling that what I have now is different, doubts maybe I’ve had during those times but I was stuck every time our skin drew close, feeling somebody’s own body stranger to my warmth as I have on my own embracing me, that amidst the mix hysteria of hormones and desires are two beings coiled as one.”

And here I am driving in my own car going nowhere, completely sane and murmuring words.

I wanted to create a world for us, just the two of us.

A place where we can live at peace and care nothing what the world may say.

But it is no feat without hardships, every day we struggle… I survive.

So simple yet so elegantly complicated to contend with.

I’m never a fan of hiding as much as I enjoy it, with that I want to see everything.

I’ve always kept secrets and even those of my own,

Some lost and forgotten while others start to unfurl,

In my life, things may look like they are somewhere behind the fog… Unknown.

But there are times we have to do something, to protect not only ours but also what surrounds,

What make a man that he is are the choices that make his decisions in the end.

I can share more of what I was feeling the whole time but those emotions are long gone as with the time it has got acquainted with. The clock strikes 1:55am and this I guess is one sleepless night in all years I stayed up. The longest perhaps. But what makes of us!?

All I just want to say is every time I have you close, I have my world.

Where I can think of none but us, where I can do what I want.

That in those moments i tell myself that this is no dream, that every single touch is real.

I am awake, I feel you and it feels good and it’s all I can think about.

I didn’t want to leave even if reality is catching up on something real.

All I can do is show comparison but there was a world within that world.

A place within a square of a dome, senseless yet distinctively poignant.

Dead among the walls, alive for those who dwells.

I can’t say more… I have dug deep enough. The beating is far too mournful to bear. These are the words I should feel, as the feelings should words be saying.

This Is What I Feel.

I’m sore not because I’m sick or barely am,

I’m hurt not because you seem right,

I feel lost not because the answers are present,

But I’m entirely just here to voice out words I can’t seem to express.

I want to strangle myself when you’re right,

I don’t even want to say something ‘coz we might fight,

I’m clueless at times when I just wander off when you say your mind,

It pains me to be just not enough for your plight.

I think I’m too selfish or maybe I am,

But I’m doing these to make sure, at least, i can be right.

I can’t be too truthful nor even less, but sometimes it is just for the best.

It may turn out that we’re cowering from everyone, but I’m making a world for our own.

I envy you and yes you may be against of which, as you are not much or less of who you deem to be.

It’s not that I can’t be who I am but this is what I was and will ever be,

Reciprocated, confused and far too impregnable, we differ from 1 to Z.

I am just trying to make a place for us, don’t you see?!

I don’t want to regret all the things made,

I don’t even want to say what I should have and shouldn’t have done,

I don’t to push on things I can’t be in control of,

Nor do I even want to gain more of what I had enough.

I’m sorry if this is what it is, sometimes I ask myself what have I miss?? Am I really ready for this??

Easy and simple things may look on your point of view,

But I can’t grab the fact that this is so not true,

Questions that say more answers than actual answers making sense. This was never my expertise.

I don’t want to look back of what we have then and now,

I don’t like comparing ‘coz it’s just stupid, yes it is.

I want to live every moment, just live it by.

I’m scared of the future, but I’m living now just to prove I ain’t dead.

In all, I don’t blame you for saying what you feel,

I just hate myself but I need not say more,

I want everything to be what they are; just the same, unchanged if needed so,

Just how they’re supposed to be, even if it takes so much from me, the thing is… Everyone is happy.