It all started when we get back just a few days ago, suddenly we were texting, saying ‘hi’’ asking how have we both been, telling what’s new… just a few sms of coping up the old days. She was after all, the best part of my PAST. I find it good, no… I LOVEd it!!! Who wouldn’t LOVE that?!? Huh?? Well, just a few hours ago, well maybe many hours ago… we were both texting nice things, how she’s enjoying the new company she has now as she studies for the upcoming December NLE’s, the place is nice, her fave subject, her awesome dream… it was a DAY like the same DAYs we had before. The afternoon went through as we exchanged good replies and all too fun queries and answers… the night came and we both got home, I was busy with stuff for an upcoming Family Trip as she was reading some stuff to study. All she wanted was a hug and I gave it all too much… we BOTH know it was something to pass time, I think?? But why did we both fell serious for it, she was SERIOUS for it! And so was i!?
SMS goes,
Me: “I hugged you back, kissed your forehead…”
Her: “I hold on to you… tight”
Me: “I held you close, placed my arms around you…”
Her: “I hold on more…”
Me: “I turned and look straight to your eyes….”
Her: “stared back…”
Me: “I just want to KISS you!”
And everything was ancient… it was the BEST 3 minutes but I just have to spoil it…
Me: “I don’t want it to end, but I think I don’t deserve this…”
Her: “Why?”
Me: “I don’t know…”
Then and there we knew, it was just like before… we’re far from each other. We can’t feel the same emotions we had THEN for each other?? Do we?? Should we?? And it was the LONGest 1 minute silence I’ve ever had. It was just a sudden BLISS, an outburst of TRUE emotions but too flawless to be REAL. Was it??
Then I urged myself a reply and few more minutes before I could’ve killed myself she replied of how sorry she was too. It was my fault. I know how she is with emotions? But why did I make myself fall for it too… we summed up everything-----I SUMmed up EVERY thing,
Me: “don’t think about it, ayt?!”
“…blame it on the rain, I guess.”
Her: “I guess so.”
And so the topic changed. I find this night quite ME being ME all over again… breaking up a very good relationship, destroying LOVE even before it touches me, idiotically not knowing how to GIVE back something worth the TRY, and most, being apathetic on somebody’s PLIGHT that is ME.
Will I ever be this old, grumpy man who never found LOVE??
Will I always break another heart??
Will I ever be happy with myself-----Alone??
It sucks, you know… I keep on blaming myself on how LOVE-less I am when I don’t learn from mistakes and if I do, it’s already over! I keep on sayin’,
“Ah, I think these are moods”,
“I’m fine…”,
“I’ll get over this…”
How can I be such a prick??! An idiot to the point of being unloved…
How can I search for LOVE?? And then breaking apart from it just because I don’t know what would happen next??
One thing’s for sure… even if knowledge was bestowed on me, my HEART will always search for meaning and I will have to be MINDless of LOVE.
2 comments:
omgee, omgee, omgee...
Ka-relate ko ba. Lol. Nakibot gd ko pgbasa ko.
It's a pity how love is never as simple as it should be, and how we make all sorts of excuses and rationalizations to avoid being trapped by its magical maze. We feel, but we always analyze and think about what we feel so much that the feeling loses its essence eventually. We're too afraid to entrust our happiness to others, so we retreat to our own little self-made shell of being alone, and, as we'd like to think, untouchable.
Mottee... just arrived from a very good Fam Trip and seeing your comment here made my entire night one good time to remember as i'll fall into slumber a couple of hours later :)
so the big questions is,
Will we ever find love? or what kind would it be??
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