Good Mornings.

It was half past 5:00 am of today, I woke up all eyes open and it was just too darn early. Checked my facebook, saw him and how much he just laid his life, hoping he’s all happy and that. I don’t have to keep on thinking about him anymore. So without much ado I decided to go on a jog without actually taking a short shower.

It was a laugh, really. The water was freezing.

I went outside and squeezed what better muscles I’ve had after all these months of not stretching them out on a run, and went on walking. The place too early and since it was a weekday the road was almost filled with busy people getting ready for an early presence at work or in school. I just minded my own business and had a start on it; I tried a few short laps and finally decided to walk to the place where I do my usual routine since my legs just started to ache… I guess that felt like havin’ it for the first time. Dang it!

The sun was almost rising and I couldn’t hide the thought of taking a picture of it. It looks nice. Made me imagine it was the same scene on Christina Perri’s A Thousand Years music video and yeah, it does.

The feeling was surreal, I’ve always liked the sun rising and the good things it makes you think on how wonderful life can be. How you wanted to feel inspired as you start your day and all the things you may want to do for the entire page of yet another life’s chapter. It’s just a refresher.

I had a few run-ins with some folks, neighbors and of course a few good sites too when all I thought of some parental together-ness. I saw this much younger looking older guy whatever that meant, on white shirt and red shorts running side by side a boy. At first I saw it is as quite fatherly for him the older one and when they went pass in front of me, dang he’s just too young to be that boy’s father and looks good too. I laugh at myself having to enjoy these kind of self appreciation and looked back I haven’t had time to do that myself in months now. Completely lost in time for drooling myself over one person and waste away the small things that mattered most. Ha!

 And so, placing away those thoughts I went to visit my grandparents, hurried for a sip of cool water as I was not only thirsty and hungry too. Enjoyed a good session on a cable TV, looking up on every channel for something interesting but didn't get much into seeing one besides some war movies I have always enjoyed watching. Stayed there for some good 45 minutes and scurried off back home, too absorbed into making this blog entry and how much I should be bragging about a wonderful day ahead.

And, dance practice will be starting later. I’m back to swaying my hips and getting fit.

Dreamt of being in a church last night, searched through the net before I went jogging and it felt great that I needed some little spiritual help and need my faith level up these times. It was a good feeling I’m receiving that kind of guidance for myself as I have that urge to look for it. Help does come to those who deserve it.

All the more, I’m living happy I guess. I should be. I’m all hopes up to myself and my future.

Smiles J

I'm Gonna Live On.

Today, I was too busy to let out some thought that I was s’pose to meet you, not a single message came from you. I had my day with a busy thing to do and dealt with whatever I can have and amuse myself to pull the strings of stress away from my mind. The entire day came about and you were just predictable, I can’t help to hurt again, to mull over the idea that you didn’t care or maybe I felt that naivety that you might just have some more pressing things compacted on you.

So here’s a thought just because I felt a light feeling of joy after realizing that it isn’t enough to just be depressed and pull myself down to regression every time, considering that fact I have so much to live about than the pressure of loving you.

Here are just some good things I thought having to quote about…

“I’m not going to stress over you anymore. It isn’t worth it. I tried to work something out but you just ignored it. I’m not trying to say I don’t want you, because I definitely do. All I’m saying is I’m done chasing after you.”

You made me feel alive when you came, I can’t hide that truth and will never lose it in me, I was living a great memory for myself, you made me whole, I felt complete but on that day and the days next I felt nothing coming from you and if you were trying it doesn’t make me feel appreciated instead I felt used, gained for and praised for having you pleasured. For making a man out of you, for satisfying what I thought I was lovingly giving for you I thought and dreamed you very well deserved?

“I’m fighting to get you out of my head but I’m holding onto every word that you ever said.”

Every night I stare blankly at the ceiling, endlessly crying and tearing away because up until then I don’t know where to place myself in your life. You never told me where should I enter or should I even have the right to stay!?? It was difficult pulling you away; I just hope I can get over it, praying that one day I’ll be over you. I won’t forget you.

“I’m not going to be that rebound guy, the guy you just come to when you want him, the guy who loves you with everything he has but yet you give nothing. I’m not willing to be that guy anymore. Sorry, sweetie, but I’m gone.”

I said I would never think of that being the rebound one from your recent break-up, never did that escape my mind until now. I want to keep it to myself. I want to erase it in mind. It’s not the kind of you. I know you’re just too different from others.

“And I have come to realize that he’s just a guy, a special one maybe, but he’s not mine. And I don’t need to do things to make him love me. If he wanted to he would.”

I can never have lost you. I never ever did. Why!?? One answer: you never were mine, I may have had you lie with me on those day and night but actually being with you holding your hand, hugging you around and to cherish every time we are together with no bounds ever did happen. I can’t blame you if you can’t feel my love. I can’t tell how much I’ve longed of having you still I lost the mere fact of knowing how you used to.

“Here’s a piece of advice let go when you’re hurting too much, give up when love isn’t enough, and move on when things aren’t like before. Surely there is someone out there who will love you more.”

I may not have known you for a lifetime but I felt something from you, you were a person with feelings and a loving one too but now all I have are more questions of doubt and insensitivity than answers of what could be us. I don’t know why you stopped, why you didn’t bother, no calls, no texts like you used to and for one thing, where was the truth on that ‘’I Love You”.

You are different, quite unique from others. Now all it seemed that you were just some mirror of shaded mystery and anonymity to oneself. If one day you’ve realized, I have so much for you. I’ll be waiting. I have you here still loving. I’ll be looking on the road ready to welcome you in my home if it struck you to go back and if not, I’ll have it opened for me to wander on how beautiful my life can be with or without you.

“Move on. It is just a chapter in the past, but don't close the book - just turn the page.”

 And yeah, I am not closing the book just yet. Who knows you might just be a page away from my own book of life and I’m leaving some blank space there if you plan to fill it with. Though this time there’ll be more pages filled away from you, make sure you hurry up I might just be havin’ so much fun and you’ll be left out. I hope you won’t. 

And here I am, praying you’ll find peace too. Admit it. Be a man for yourself as I did for my own. I was just too ready to be man enough for us but you just can’t for reasons I respect and understand but for how long then!?? How long would I stay on questions when there are more answers and life outside my homey heart??!

I still love you no matter what other people would say about me and you. This is just why I’m taking a step farther for my life. For us and for how much I can love to meet you someday on the crossroads of our lives.

Good luck, boy.