Just Pause.

For I have grown so weary and all I needed was a big space to gather my thoughts,

“The heart and the mind are 2 different persons, they never worked together, and they seem to be always at war. Yet figures as they are, they’re yours, within you and at your control… You just have to choose which one suits best, it may take time, it may hurt many and it may even be your hurt as well but you’ll know it, you’ll feel it… That time is when you are at peace.”

My Darkness.

To hear your voice broken,

The sound of an aching heart,

A whimpering kid inside,

Beaten up & refused of love.

Feeble and cold from my fears,

Slowly your grasp drifting away,

What more can I say,

Just to have you stay.

I know you need be the one,

And for now all I can give you is time and affection,

Life and the future, for us is unknown,

I don’t know what else to do, I fear losing you.

Your voice scares me when you’re angry,

But what hurts me is the silence of loneliness within that whisper,

Unsaid thoughts growing in vain,

Slowly tearing you out, killing your heart.

I am the disease you never wanted,

I am the source of your pain,

I only wanted to be your joy,

The reason for your smile, that smile I always love.

I have grown sad and weary,

Since you doubted your feelings,

I don’t blame you for it is my fault,

I led you on to an abyss and not the heaven.

You are not selfish, you deserve well,

You are the nicest of them all, truly the only one,

You don’t deserve me, my life is trouble.

You are an angel; I seem to be your burden.

Is this a plea??! A desperate scream to hold on!?

I am unworthy of your love for I seem to be hurting you much.

I feel you. I hurt you badly.

2.27.14 9:38pm

The Drive.

It was one of those moments, fast, sudden and just a boost of adrenaline… A want turned need, something so spontaneous and out of the blue.

An impulse.

I know, I am never a stranger to that kind of random idealism nor does it make me a commoner to such that it becomes my nature.

And there I was, half overjoyed the other frantic for what consequences lays on thereafter but my mind was set, I pushed the gas and off I go, the sweet smell of freshly dug soil was everywhere, the wind a rustle to my hair as if physics were to explain aerodynamics I’d be in a very scientific ride. I looked at the gas meter, finding myself close to nothing but I said, what gives. As I drove on, all these thoughts play like music in a broken radio, these tunes coming in every differed note at different bars and pitch, I chose to lay silent, to not make any sound only the open car window and the empty passenger seat beside was my company, thoughts reeling in my head and realizations smothering me.

I reached the place I wanted to be. The place which I gave grown fond with. That place where I welcome those I love and at the same time hate to be when they say goodbye.

The smell of greens everywhere hides the black asphalt that serves its purpose; the sweet serenade of the howling wind covers the emotions every person in that place felt. The airport was busy yet there was a rather soulful silence or was it just me exaggerating the situation I am in. I stopped and stared at the view, the day was almost over the sky painted in orange, the sky clears of cirrus streaks and at that moment I succumbed to nostalgia. I wondered, mind, body, heart and soul… I was lost in the view yet somehow knowing I was intact to feel the breeze, to smell the soil, to listen to the leaves and see life.

I was waiting for a plane to land or even take-off but I guess was not on schedule, instead I sat back and felt the brashness of where I was at that time. I breathed in and released tension.

By now, I have grown weary not because I might find myself in trouble when I get home but I felt the stare of common folks by the gates of the airport wondering what this random black car is doing outside the airport!? With the occupant barely dressed in tank top and an overly worn out pair of shorts, say I was kind of very suspicious looking. So, I went back in and drove the hell out of the premises, I was kind of standing and moving back and forth, in and out of the car for some close of 15 minutes maybe that’s why I raise the suspicion.

As I swerved and turned my way home, it hit me, that in life taking chances really is scary, that impulse is both exhilarating and also panic-worthy, you may find yourself torn between what is easy and the one that is hard. After all, it is your choice.

I wish I was that brave. I wish.

In all, I came home with my mom and brother already there just in time before they closed the garage gate, they asked where I was, being the good actor (not always) and as carefree as one word I made my way back in. I was smiling and thoughtful too of all the new things and issues that dawned on me, things I have yet to settle with, links I have to strengthen, bonds to break and habits to change and some to nurture.

It was a good drive. An unintelligent yet enlightening urge of being impetuous.

Until the next drive of chance.

P.S.

Guess, I’m back to blogging. It is good to be back! J

Travel Wishes, Long Overdue.

Friendship is built with trust, honesty and the gift of company. I know this letter is long overdue and for some reason it has served its purpose but I think things are never too late as to wonder why there are certain people that would come in our lives worthy to become part of it eternally. My good friend, I never tire of listening to your rants, the whimpering nature of your emotions neither do I hate how you scowl at life testing you nor how scornful you can be with love. I have been there at times maybe not too many to lend an ear to all the crazy shit we can do and have done together… mostly, eating. We hated our enemies and may God forgive us with that, shared our life, complain on how we screw up or even vent on those making our day a bum. Either way, I will and ever treasure every piece of memory we had and now as this sweet journey of yours has finally began let this be something of thought…

“As the traveler who has once been from home is wiser than he who has never left his own doorstep, so a knowledge of one other culture should sharpen our ability to scrutinize more steadily, to appreciate more lovingly, our own.” – Margaret Mead

We are all travelers in our own way, lead on an experience more friends, feel all those wanted emotions and miss all those you love but never forget for where you came and be that a place where you can call home. We may be far reached apart with miles and not just kilometers by my dear sweet friend, distance is not our enemy but a stronghold of time that as long as we share chatter once in awhile and growing up every day to share more experiences I believe our friendship will never end and just like how we say it… Everything in life, unclear for now… Someday, somehow everything’s gonna make sense.

All my best of wishes and the sweetest of luck to you my dear friend.