Me, Myself & I: I want you back.

I miss my old me. That part of me who used to laugh hard, smiling all day like some silly fool, talking to friends for some thought out of the blue, playing around like a preschooler, and just sitting on that good corner where I can see everything from a vantage point and admire the life that unfolds.

All these years, countless I say, that I can have a time alone. Like just me, an empty room, not a noise heard… just that moment where I can doze off, or even see good flashbacks rolling in front of me.

That time when all that matters was using the best crayon, sharpening my favorite pencil and choosing the smoothest paper to get done with. When all I can think of was recess, when school’s over, running to and fro, sit still and chat with friends and go home.

I’d say there is no harm in looking back. It’s a good thing. A refresher, something to note in some few lessons learned from mistakes of the past. Maybe some old memories to paint a smile on the face can be useful, perhaps a good event to be remembered simply because feeling a little cathartic is inevitable. Needles to say, whatever I am now reflects what I have and haven’t been when I was young, a keeper of myself to others and even a keeper of what I am to my own.

I don’t regret my past, I don’t hate what I’ve become it’s just that I don’t really realize yet what I can be and will be in the future. The fear of not knowing what lies beyond is normal, exhilarating, ecstatic and jovially infantile.

To end, I have thought about just doing what’s good for many, cared for a few and I may be sinfully praising myself yet again… I missed my self-centered ego, I just can’t take away the fact that there was once a Me, Myself & I.

Shedding Off.

I have neither all the reasons not to be confused nor the entire possible conclusion that I shouldn’t be. For good sakes I am of the stature that seemingly having that genuine feeling of affection to another is inexplicitly shorn of right and somehow with the hypocritical stigma that I have for myself undeniably proves for my disdain for the being that I am. I of many people encouraging the idea of equality and now here I am rationalizing that I may have unmistakably felt a close affection and only with a little twist to the same gender, not liking it or perhaps feared the very thought of actually feeling it.

I’m out. I know. Does that make me a bisexual?? I don’t know. It sounds quite homophobic, I admit it.

I don’t have to rally that I like girls, but I do.

This time though, things just are not the same as it used to be. I never felt something so true, so fulfilling, and just some kind of drawn out feeling every time I hear the voice, saw the face and paint that smile on that gentle face. I have wasted too much time rationalizing things even if I had that gut feeling that I had this before. The only difference that what was once a thought of actually falling madly deeply is now a feeling that not only makes me succumb for it and at the same time push me for yearning it even more.

Am I this bored of being single?? 

I don’t have to be big with words with this blog, I just figured out that maybe this is time… little by little that if there is a change I need to accept and if I have to be fulfilled and not embarrassed of what deeds would I be doing in the future it should be starting with me. By saying it all out, not too soon just slower at pace, not rushing my chances but never being left off of what to do.

There is only one thing I hope for, and that I find solace… an inner peace. That was a laugh. This is change; at least it does something in me, a light of hope, and just maybe for some miracle of things falling into place and just like everything… to live.

Finally, I just had a blog that actually made sense.