Sense.

The coarse wood, the deafening bell… There is silence yet the chimes of hymns a melancholic noise. 

That one point of clarity. I have faith, or at least I still have it and that my life makes sense.

I look up above and I ask none of too many wishes ought saying, I pondered on and all I hear are voices of a physical world. So I prayed and prayed even more. 

All Significantly Foolish.

It was almost 10:00pm, just a few more minutes until it strike and say, I’m way past my bedtime. Thoughts in a twirl of hexagonal proportions like that double helix structure of a DNA strand, everything seem so complex yet somehow simple as a whole. I was not making sense of myself and so I went out, the keys dangling in my pocket, the slight move of my legs echoing the ringing of the clutch. The engine starts…

3 hours later… 1:18am. Monday.

Finding my lonesome self in a blank space with my reflections waiting to unfold right before my eyes slowly getting filled with stuff I don’t even know existed or at least they try to not exist at all.

At times I would look at my true mirror image and see that emotions lay hidden surrounded by skin and muscles, flat and mystified, I haven’t seen that kind of being in years… I was pretty sure that I was looking adamant of everything.

But I was scorned, always has been much to my own dismay.

And so what I can do best is try to just regain sanity like I always do, sigh and think what I should be saying right.

So here goes…

Have you ever dreamed of a place only made of two?

I would be foolish if I haven’t thought of a place where I can just be myself and care no more,

A green meadow where I can just lay down, watch the sky and admire,

Eyes closed, breathing in fresh air, feeling the wind as it kisses your cheeks.

Where we can be what we are without bounds… utopia? Not really.

Some place in some time where everything else is normal.

A place unimagined, a place not just a figure of speech.

Where there is solace, where there is… Us.

Never used that word… like ever in my lifetime. Just now. Or maybe for some time.

“Remember the first time we held each other, how magical it was… I’m over exaggerating, it was decent and sweet. You know what I felt? You never knew. It was more than just rage from being broken hearted; I never thought something so sweet like that was lost long ago from some promiscuous adventure. I was feeling stupid but I can’t help feeling that what I have now is different, doubts maybe I’ve had during those times but I was stuck every time our skin drew close, feeling somebody’s own body stranger to my warmth as I have on my own embracing me, that amidst the mix hysteria of hormones and desires are two beings coiled as one.”

And here I am driving in my own car going nowhere, completely sane and murmuring words.

I wanted to create a world for us, just the two of us.

A place where we can live at peace and care nothing what the world may say.

But it is no feat without hardships, every day we struggle… I survive.

So simple yet so elegantly complicated to contend with.

I’m never a fan of hiding as much as I enjoy it, with that I want to see everything.

I’ve always kept secrets and even those of my own,

Some lost and forgotten while others start to unfurl,

In my life, things may look like they are somewhere behind the fog… Unknown.

But there are times we have to do something, to protect not only ours but also what surrounds,

What make a man that he is are the choices that make his decisions in the end.

I can share more of what I was feeling the whole time but those emotions are long gone as with the time it has got acquainted with. The clock strikes 1:55am and this I guess is one sleepless night in all years I stayed up. The longest perhaps. But what makes of us!?

All I just want to say is every time I have you close, I have my world.

Where I can think of none but us, where I can do what I want.

That in those moments i tell myself that this is no dream, that every single touch is real.

I am awake, I feel you and it feels good and it’s all I can think about.

I didn’t want to leave even if reality is catching up on something real.

All I can do is show comparison but there was a world within that world.

A place within a square of a dome, senseless yet distinctively poignant.

Dead among the walls, alive for those who dwells.

I can’t say more… I have dug deep enough. The beating is far too mournful to bear. These are the words I should feel, as the feelings should words be saying.

This Is What I Feel.

I’m sore not because I’m sick or barely am,

I’m hurt not because you seem right,

I feel lost not because the answers are present,

But I’m entirely just here to voice out words I can’t seem to express.

I want to strangle myself when you’re right,

I don’t even want to say something ‘coz we might fight,

I’m clueless at times when I just wander off when you say your mind,

It pains me to be just not enough for your plight.

I think I’m too selfish or maybe I am,

But I’m doing these to make sure, at least, i can be right.

I can’t be too truthful nor even less, but sometimes it is just for the best.

It may turn out that we’re cowering from everyone, but I’m making a world for our own.

I envy you and yes you may be against of which, as you are not much or less of who you deem to be.

It’s not that I can’t be who I am but this is what I was and will ever be,

Reciprocated, confused and far too impregnable, we differ from 1 to Z.

I am just trying to make a place for us, don’t you see?!

I don’t want to regret all the things made,

I don’t even want to say what I should have and shouldn’t have done,

I don’t to push on things I can’t be in control of,

Nor do I even want to gain more of what I had enough.

I’m sorry if this is what it is, sometimes I ask myself what have I miss?? Am I really ready for this??

Easy and simple things may look on your point of view,

But I can’t grab the fact that this is so not true,

Questions that say more answers than actual answers making sense. This was never my expertise.

I don’t want to look back of what we have then and now,

I don’t like comparing ‘coz it’s just stupid, yes it is.

I want to live every moment, just live it by.

I’m scared of the future, but I’m living now just to prove I ain’t dead.

In all, I don’t blame you for saying what you feel,

I just hate myself but I need not say more,

I want everything to be what they are; just the same, unchanged if needed so,

Just how they’re supposed to be, even if it takes so much from me, the thing is… Everyone is happy.

Lemons

Don’t be a fool for the color seems tangy,

Mistake the coarseness for naturally bestowed smooth,

Simple yet expensive, a luxury thought of.

And a delight for those palatable skill that which food is creation.

But I do not speak of that is bound eaten.

I yearned for its oddity, displayed.

A few consider some adjective to praise on.

Suffice; I am but somebody allegorically as explained.

Supple and sweet your affection, bright yellow.

Even those unblessed with sight, smiles.

That’d seem to come from its humble abode.

Flaky like snow, elegant among all.

But one of thought deem to query,

A coat of crudely fashion, I wear.

Of such expensive gift to know,

In its entirety, at use none of all wasted… No.

Saccharine in it’s ripen form; yet sour for a tongues delight.

Feelings that come certain yet toughened to wedge inside.

From all may think that embodies the whole is bitter loving,

But the complexity of what it has, a plenty to exploit.

What luck then I have considered of all qualities true,

To define, to know of what I admire from this petty yellow fruit.

That one he is maybe kind, yet one has to strive for the better part.

A grind too acrid, a squeeze maybe right.

Just Because I LOVE to WANT things I LIKE.

Just because I am in my depressive unemployed status I told myself while lying on bed this afternoon trying my best to fall asleep but my mind had thoughts of its own decided to think of all possible reasons for me not to doze off and so this blog entry is the product of such inter-synapse business affair.

I need a job. (That surely is one thing I plea for)

I like getting a sudden hug but not too long.

I want a bouquet of flowers for me and make sure I have something to place them into.

I want new clothes.

I love shopping.

I love going out of town.

I love the feel of afternoon beach sand all over my feet.

I like the smell of fresh tilted soil, a little damp from the night’s rain.

I want to get what I want.

I want to eat without worrying of getting fat.

I want to have those adorable beach bodies that I aspire to.

I like trying out new stuff.

I want to be around famous people.

I want to be famous, sort of even just for a day maybe a week or a month.

I want to be remembered for something amazing I did.

I want to get noticed somehow even sometimes it makes me vain and whore-ish for attention.

I like ice cream.

I love watching sunsets.

I love trekking but not those vertical heights just the one with paved paths at least.

I love blogging even if it takes me forever to update another entry.

I love taking pictures of stuff that interest me sometimes even an ant crawling its way to the brood.

I love selfies.

I like reunions, parties and gatherings as long as it involves food in it.

I like joining party games especially those for kids.

I love hitting the piñata.

I like good looking people, those who look after themselves.

I love watching romance movies.

I like reading books.

I like going up the roof and sit there every night and just let the dark surround me in silence.

I want to circle the world.

I want to meet all my facebook friends.

I like reading horoscopes.

I love doing anything in random.

I like surprising people.

I love long walks and talks at the same time.

I love just sitting quiet.

I love being noisy if the situation permits.

I like drinking milk tea.

I want to teach.

I want to be a noble prize winner.

I want to do without worrying what other people would say or think about of me.

I want to be happy.

I want to be an astronaut.

I want to write at least a best-selling novel.

I want to get gifts not for the effort but one has thought about it.

I want to be surprised that I don’t know what to do.

I want to just keep on moving.

I want to finish something I started.

I want to meet my favorite celebrities one day.

I want to be in a red carpet premiere.

I want to eat in a very expensive yet very worthy restaurant.

I want to have my own desk.

I want something written about me in a magazine not hate notes.

I want my own house.

I want to have everything I see at that moment that I like.

I’m sure I will have lots and lots of things to like, those I love and all that I really want but darn it would take ages to tell them all but here’s one…

When I say, ‘’I like that’’ suffice to say, ‘’I want that’’.

Above all,

I love myself.

One thing though, the blog picture does not make sense with the whole “I want, I love and I like that’’ blabs I did maybe so it gives the whole blog entry a little panache. Just Saying.

Chasing Waves

Don’t look back. 3 words, one thought but it takes a lot of courage to will oneself to do that. It relates to some phrases like; forget, move on, keep moving and whatever synonymous ideas it may seem to end with… Turning away.

The Shore.

The waves howl on a summer still with wind, gulls gliding above feeling the warm breeze, the unforgiving heat quicken the shore to return to almost white. There was a visitor and he was no stranger.

The sand pricks his foot at high noon, wondering said the rocks why he’d come at this time of day!? He went on, hastened to reach water. A splash and off the sea kisses his toes. There was tumble and rumble, awe in look he stared across the vast sea, lightning dances along the horizon. A whiff of cool air tells him rain will be here soon.

Barren, silent and white. There is peace and he can never ask for something more.

High above, the passage of clouds play shadows upon him, teasing the sun as if he were playing hide and seek, he smiled and chased the dark patches of sand; he was after all a kid being chased by none but the sun. He grew tired though in the end, the bristly warmth embracing his skin, yet the cool whisper of a changing season reduces it.

He stood still and marvel to what he feels; freedom and stillness. He stared from where he wandered, foot prints lie on countless for which he can’t seem to recall whichever starts first and follows next. He smiled.

A splash came and with it goes everything.

Shocked.

One wave, a fraction of time.

Everything dried unmoving as if no one was ever there.

To Contemplate 101

When something hits the end, it is the end. There will never be a long road ‘coz wherever we take ourselves in travel or dreams we are meant to be in some place we should be, an end to a journey. A movie may have sequels, a next part or an explanation to what happened but each has its own end. Life too has its end. They say each ending is a beginning but neigh each ending is an end of something of what has passed, It can never be retracted only reflected on… an end is something most of us barely exude facts that we as individuals have to face… moving forward.

Closure. A stop to something started or the need of a decisive halt to the matter of something that should no longer exist. An idealism that has gone too far to be controlled. A state of being to convince the inner soul that what fanatic beliefs may be procured from countless dreams is unreal and needed concluding.

Forget. A choice.

Everything will just be a memory, the good, the bad, happiness and loss. Every memory will haunt us in different ways, others will play lessons, many will be reminders of an impending mistake and least will be a test of faith and ones will to personal growth.

We say we should follow the heart and mind. But haven’t one of you thought that our brain is responsible for what we feel!?? For what we are!?? He controls our world… almost. There is no heart and no mind just the whole being able to decide and decently created to function as a whole. We are what we do, what we think and what we live for.