Bed Sheets, Pillows, Roses And Kisses.

This is the first that I’ll be blunt straight with my blog entry. The only time in years I’ll express what I feel the most.

The human arms were made not just to endure the load of working, not just to bring balance to the entire body, neither the human lips spares not only to utter words, throw knowledge & speak thoughts needs saying nor of the human body was never just a whole of a living organism, a system of reactions and feelings & not just some ordinary individual with will & choice… we have been made to pair, to have meaning, to bring closeness, to give, to share… to love.

To sleep & wake up with the one you love in your arms or whichever falls from their own is one of many experiences the lack of appreciation many of us get from having to enjoy casual love making, blissful unsafe sex, temporary euphoria & to all the unwanted sudden needless fleshly longing. 

If I may say it as blunt and be forgiven of what I will intend to write as I do not ask for any apology to what I should be posting… I loved every moment I had with my partner on his second visit.

There was no sweet love making, no resistive force of blissful sex, no euphoria from the longing of flesh just the feeling of closeness, the sweet thought of sleeping together & oxytoxic effect of cuddling. The wishes of longing ending up on each other’s arms, his head on my shoulders, a cuddle here & there, me snuggling when cold & the best moment is waking up next to him with eyes trying to wake up staring at me.

In years, a BED made sense… a hug is true, cuddling is the best feeling one can feel & waking up with him is no dream at all. Bed sheets crumpled for one reason, we had each other that close, no fleshly longing… just sweet cuddling.

I am blunt to what I just said, I missed those times with him & not for the urge of my flesh but the feelings I had when he laid his eyes on me. I love my partner. I love him, really I do.

I am missing him now as he boards his plane. I am missing everyday that I am alone without him, I will miss him even more until the day we will have each other not for a visit but forevermore.

P.S.

a good tumblr entry for everyone else

http://www.fabulousapple.com/2011/01/a-treatise-on-cuddling/

Sweet 7.

1 is for YOU being my ONE & only.

2 is for US being TOGETHER.

3 is for every ‘’I Love You’’. 3 beautiful words we say to each other.

4 is for FOUR-ever we hope to spend with each other.

5 is 526,680 minutes = for every YEAR I’d be LOVE-ing YOU.

6 is for every 60 minutes I spend with you which we usually exceed every night.

7 is the 7th day of December 2011. The day we first met. With that hug we gave to each other proved that I have MISS-ed you from that time on & for every moment I was FAR from YOU.

A short phrase of 7’s for 7 beautiful reasons to share with YOU. I Love You, Mark.

That What Feels Sore Is Missing You.

Give me a kiss, and to that kiss a score;

Then to that twenty, add a hundred more:

A thousand to that hundred:

So kiss on, to make that thousand up a million.

Treble that million, and when that is done,

Let's kiss afresh, as when we first begun.

(as quoted from Romantic Kiss Quotes)

That one moment when I had your lips close to mine,
that one wish I’d longed for come true
and from that day on I can’t help but miss you more.
I need you now & I need you much more.

Tell me one thing,
leave me not to be alone,
forsake the chance I lost a memory of you for when that day comes that I do,
I’d die from the pain I’m causing somewhere in a memory I loved you.

Enviable.

The clarity that one sees is to marvel of the unstained.

Ego Clama Meipsum Somnus

Sonnet 148, Shakespeare

O me! What eyes hath love put in my head,

Which have no correspondence with true sight!

Or, if they have, where is my judgment fled,

That censures falsely what they see aright?

If that be fair whereon my false eyes dote,

What means the world to say it is not so?

If it be not, then love doth well denote

Love’s eye is not so true as all men’s: No,

How can it? O how can love’s eye be true,

That is so vexed with watching and with tears?

No marvel then, though I mistake my view;

The sun itself sees not till heaven clears.

  

O cunning love! With tears thou keep’st me blind,

Lest eyes well seeing thy foul faults should find.

-----

The Unfamiliar Prey

The searing coarseness of the words spoken,

Piercing the inside of that shallow cave,

What bounds from the walls quiver in pain.

What lays beneath howls in abhorrence.

The visitor it has welcomed least of known,

There was what only greetings torn,

For it heeds of only shelter,

Away from the squall it brought along.

The creature inside beg none to give but the cave it lives,

A place for the stranger to dry & be safe.

The voice a chill it makes,

At the tone it despised since then long ago he’d heard.

-----

The Trampled

So what bears the pity!?

The unimaginative & shallow!?

To lay waste on tilted soil,

That such sowed words play & told.

The wind groans as it breathes,

The waves a tide gulped deeper,

Thus the wound it hides upon the hollow cage,

The earth a grumble, it quivers without say.

Bent, the reeds lay withered,

Flowers of sort flattened on foot.

Once this uproar long ago did pass,

Of plead-full bliss, unwanted.

Shallow the gust slowly breathed in,

The soil trembles as answer,

The hollow wound tightens it hold,

The rain starts to pour, slowly & sore.

-----

Then was the prayer that he’d close his eyes,

Not the truth but his abhorred disdained sight,

That he sees tomorrow’s light,

With tear stains of the night.

If Time.

Time /tīm/ (n) the indefinite continued progress of existence and events in the past, present, and future regarded as a whole.

Time is life’s gift. It is our friend. A scale that defines to what results we can have or be it the very witness to our own demise, at the same it becomes our foe as we hurdle the character of patience and temper, a test of faith and perseverance to gain from what it could give and perhaps it is one of life’s greatest blessing that we just don’t have it as our own but also with everyone else.

As a nurse, time is crucial to my profession. 

A dose missed, is a pound cost more of a cure.

A second gone is a beat to lose.

And for every ounce of time spent, a soul is mended.

It takes the patience of one to find beauty with time.

Become his friend and one reaps the seeds of joy.

Become the enemy of it, a temper of angst endows the intolerant.

It is in its arduous length that one takes the bliss of what lies next.

Time is a choice, a decision that abides to what we make out of it.

Whether we stand still and let it waste.

Or we do something, a change or a result out from it.

Time is what we have to do more for our own.

It is a joy to many who sees the beauty of its indecisiveness.

An escape of a lonely heart to his gusto of indulgence & lore.

A time spent of gratitude to self, a relaxing momentary of decent carelessness.

To just sit down. To look on & marvel.

Time becomes our strength when complexities arise.

A point to repatriate the losses of life’s battle.

A moment to gamble when everything seems in chaos.

A strategic stance against the forlorn dismembering hurdles of the world.

Though at chances time becomes in its innocent ardor, a play of fate.

We miss a moment to capture that ruins the self.

We take for granted the joys that hassles undermines and hide.

We fear the thought of longing, we rush the pace.

And to those that time can become such a grueling test.

A risk to take, of unknown destinies.

Of the will to wait, at end or how it’d be!?

If time is no a friend or foe, for how long, when and at life’s breaking end!?

And just because time was not good to me, have the chances made me sour and still, think not that I am gone, think not that I befall such forlorn reason… I am just a soul at mending, a heart longing... A being who waits in time, hoping & wishing.

It Comes A Long Way.

Just a thought out, thanks to my partner Mark that this blog entry made possible or let me just say that the idea of actually posting and having the inspiration of this blog been given birth into writing. 

About an hour and a half ago, by the way it’s 12:04pm in my watch, going back... My partner and I were talking some mushy stuff and he was going about his things as he was preparing for school and was donning his usual blazer and he looks good in white and okay, I’m daydreaming… so, there he was just sitting staring at me and I noticed that he wasn’t wearing his glasses and so I told him that he should get it and put it on, he then explained that even without his glasses he still could see (he think so) but insisted that he put them on as his uniform wouldn’t be that complete without him wearing those gleam-y spectacles and voila, he did. Handsome, huh. 

And I wandered off with me telling him that his glasses reminded me of buying a new one and he said why buy a new one as he knows that I don’t even have an eye condition that would make me wear spectacles as needed for such condition. 

And so the story went on why in the first place I bought the old glasses I still have which my brother is using, the reason was that I merely bought those glasses for the thought that I may or could have looked good with them on, an accessory so to speak. And yes, the glasses has UV-protection, an anti-glare function but what the heck, I just bought it ‘cause the moment my eyes laid on it, I looked good and like one quote I always put in heart, “It’s FASHION, not FUNCTION”. And he blurted out about the whole thing being so superficial and it hit me (I never took it as an offense) that part of me comes a long way. It made me laugh inside as I was then being ushered back by my memory to all the stuff way back in elementary years and high school and how I found ‘myself’ during college.

And the story goes like this…

Wimpy, Thin & Short.

Growing up I was never a sporty kid, not a single game during the intramurals would I ever participate up until I reached high school, technically, I somehow become a part or just a member of the basketball team just because there are fewer guys and they needed me or else they forfeit for reasons of less team members. 

During grade school I’d spent my whole time with mostly girls around me and that could’ve contributed to my lack of interest to sports still having a lot of girlfriends and most them athlete then at least I could’ve sucked in a little push but to no avail I stayed behind. I had my own world. I’d end up staying in the library or just plainly fool around with some girl friends of mine and listen to the latest gossip. Some of the guys would tease me just for fun and child play though when it gets serious they face a quarter of the girls in our class defending me (I feel so protected). 

And when in gatherings, I’ll fit perfectly present as here goes this kid in cargo shorts, almost knee-socks, a rubber shoes and a loose polo shirt, that kind of get up stayed until I was in my 5th grade still with no changes at all, yes I was sporting sneakers, but a straight-cut slacks, a large waist jeans & the polo shirt but I was wearing it, I never actually noticed what I was wearing as long as I have something to wear.

It was funny though about this part of me and I guess all the guys can relate to this. Naturally boys don’t grow up or let me say get taller not until puberty comes and I was one of many million guys out there who passed through puberty and still passing it. From 1st grade up to the 3rd grade I was one of us 3 guys who would actually contest every semester if who goes first in the line and there was a time that I did, it happen in 3 semesters within those 3 freaking years. Though here’s the catch, we guys would just surprise the gals that after a few months of hiding during summer vacation we’d tower them as much as they used to tower us down and here goes the medieval theory that they got from what we could’ve been ‘doing’ all those months.

The Transition.

High school was fun; it was and will always be. I tried socializing, I learned how to make my way in and out of a crowd, make new friends from lower years and even those ahead of us. Met new friends in and out of school, a little more did I joined clubs and had myself turned into a leader (I guess my leadership skills started here) mostly voted to become president or vice president whichever I don’t go down more than the treasurer but never become the secretary as everyone knows I have the worst penmanship. 

Little by little I get to notice how I dress and how I act; I was still with girls up to the end of high school. It was fun being with all the girls, loving the gossips, the latest trends and anything out of the blue. My most favorite moment being with girls as you’d probably guess is no else but shopping, they take you everywhere and like everywhere, from one dress shop, to another boutique, to accessories and just about every inch of the mall, I found something I liked and that’s a big wardrobe change. 

I tried my best not just to fit in but also to find something for me, I did get envy though, to women in particular and when it comes to shopping this frustration does exist. It’s the variety of clothing women get more than men, like seriously a woman can get herself dressed up casually decent in just a small cost ad can even indulge extra on some accessories while having to choose men apparel was just plain t-shirt, jeans that almost everybody has and sneaker that only changes in patterns and color and looking at it you’d find yourself facing to the same get up on a different person and that’s just quite a give-off of fashion disaster.

High school paves way to my now impulsive character, if I was even more ready to face what’s in store I couldn’t be more excited to be there. 

Overhaul.

Freshmen College was a starter, I brought what I was in high school, geeky, quiet high school boy the good thing was I had a friend to be with for all those years in college, it was a good thought that Susan also my classmate during high school turned out to be my classmate for the entirety of college, she may have found her group of friends in college but we still have some time to just bump and laugh along until the sophomore years. I honestly couldn’t find myself at first, it was difficult having all these different individuals who in a few years time will be just the best people you’ll spend the best time together. 

It was also in freshmen year I had my first formal social event, an 18th debut party, and I think I looked good in it. A straight slim pastel brown denim, an inside shirt in green with blue arm sleeves and collar & to finish off with a wash-off green polo shirt and sneakers. It was a night that I felt something in me, I felt a boost in my confidence and for some time after that I call it arrogant vanity (you can’t blame me, I was starting to love myself).

It was in college that I really have the most for myself, it all started when I came across the TV show Ugly Betty, I never finished it not until late senior year but thanks to this show I took up the courage to say it to myself and just as the main character Betty says to her own,

 I am an attractive, intelligent and confident business woman.(Just take out the gender profile and put man instead of woman)

I practiced it and sooner then I get to say that to myself every morning at least in front of the mirror and I guess it built up my confidence and self-esteem. I found myself not fully but I was able to face different people and from having to push myself into mingling I learned how to dress properly, how to act decently and how to be appropriately good looking so to speak… being handsome or gorgeous or sexy or whatever heart boasting adjective one is to be described for comes not just naturally but also with the person’s own perspective to himself and his confidence. If you were born to be utterly good looking it is nothing if you just sit around all sulk all day, being handsome and/or beautiful is not how the world makes out of you but how you make out of everything else around you. 

I remembered one quote from one of my lecturer/mentor,

If you reached a time in your life that you felt very handsome/beautiful that no one can contest it but yourself there’ll never be a moment like that… it depends on you. And if not, if that time hasn’t come yet, just wait… be yourself and when it does come… feel it like you never felt ever more handsome/beautiful in life.

I felt nothing more but pure love to myself and I was getting narcissistic and yes I know that is quite wrong but better way to love yourself with indulging into everything than doing drugs (just saying). I was enjoying myself and for one thought out of pure boast, I tried wearing who I was, I guess that part of me came out by junior year and slowly my classmates in high school never saw that part of me and were quite amazed of how different I was, I looked after myself and tried the clothes that would look good in me and reflect my personality, I may not have the best or do not even dress designer clothing but I can get an entire wardrobe specific for my own and look good and dashing in it. It’s just how one wears it and the personality it carries with it. 

Then came senior year, maybe late for me to start it but I was now doing some diet plans, body shape-ups not too rigid just yet but I was doing fine, I was perfectly good at it. Some of my classmates admired me and it boosted me up, self appreciation comes a long way not until it reflects to other people and they learn to see you and not just like you but entirely appreciate who you are… no worries though I never dressed flamboyant, just decent enough for a casual me.

Vainer… it goes on…

Presently, I am what I am and whatever I do to myself depends on how I present myself not just to others but how I wanted to be. I loved myself real bad that having someone who appreciates me is just the best there is, to be appreciated by someone is just amazing. And I couldn’t more effort to be the best there is for him. I love him as I love myself so I’m just the best there is for him, doing it, and will always be.

So maybe the reason of me being superficial (yet again, no offense taken) is not just because I am, well honestly I am a bit (some laugh) with the whole impulsive reasons behind the thought of buying something just because I don’t need it and just because it makes me feel good, I have this in me to become superficially loving myself because there is freedom in me, a child wanting to have that pretty kite. I know in here now, I don’t make sense but insensibly how I don’t make sense, what we are is who we are, we never have to change something within that is already good as long as we do it right and we don’t harm people around us.

If we appreciate the person within us, we reflect that same appreciation to people around us and get appreciated in return. You can never love anyone happily if you never loved yourself in the first place.

I guess, this is yet to be the longest entry for my blog. Thanks to my partner Mark who had this idea blurted out in 2,000 words or something.

“You are beautiful… no matter what they say” just as quoted in Christina Aguilera’s song.