Good Mornings.

It was half past 5:00 am of today, I woke up all eyes open and it was just too darn early. Checked my facebook, saw him and how much he just laid his life, hoping he’s all happy and that. I don’t have to keep on thinking about him anymore. So without much ado I decided to go on a jog without actually taking a short shower.

It was a laugh, really. The water was freezing.

I went outside and squeezed what better muscles I’ve had after all these months of not stretching them out on a run, and went on walking. The place too early and since it was a weekday the road was almost filled with busy people getting ready for an early presence at work or in school. I just minded my own business and had a start on it; I tried a few short laps and finally decided to walk to the place where I do my usual routine since my legs just started to ache… I guess that felt like havin’ it for the first time. Dang it!

The sun was almost rising and I couldn’t hide the thought of taking a picture of it. It looks nice. Made me imagine it was the same scene on Christina Perri’s A Thousand Years music video and yeah, it does.

The feeling was surreal, I’ve always liked the sun rising and the good things it makes you think on how wonderful life can be. How you wanted to feel inspired as you start your day and all the things you may want to do for the entire page of yet another life’s chapter. It’s just a refresher.

I had a few run-ins with some folks, neighbors and of course a few good sites too when all I thought of some parental together-ness. I saw this much younger looking older guy whatever that meant, on white shirt and red shorts running side by side a boy. At first I saw it is as quite fatherly for him the older one and when they went pass in front of me, dang he’s just too young to be that boy’s father and looks good too. I laugh at myself having to enjoy these kind of self appreciation and looked back I haven’t had time to do that myself in months now. Completely lost in time for drooling myself over one person and waste away the small things that mattered most. Ha!

 And so, placing away those thoughts I went to visit my grandparents, hurried for a sip of cool water as I was not only thirsty and hungry too. Enjoyed a good session on a cable TV, looking up on every channel for something interesting but didn't get much into seeing one besides some war movies I have always enjoyed watching. Stayed there for some good 45 minutes and scurried off back home, too absorbed into making this blog entry and how much I should be bragging about a wonderful day ahead.

And, dance practice will be starting later. I’m back to swaying my hips and getting fit.

Dreamt of being in a church last night, searched through the net before I went jogging and it felt great that I needed some little spiritual help and need my faith level up these times. It was a good feeling I’m receiving that kind of guidance for myself as I have that urge to look for it. Help does come to those who deserve it.

All the more, I’m living happy I guess. I should be. I’m all hopes up to myself and my future.

Smiles J

I'm Gonna Live On.

Today, I was too busy to let out some thought that I was s’pose to meet you, not a single message came from you. I had my day with a busy thing to do and dealt with whatever I can have and amuse myself to pull the strings of stress away from my mind. The entire day came about and you were just predictable, I can’t help to hurt again, to mull over the idea that you didn’t care or maybe I felt that naivety that you might just have some more pressing things compacted on you.

So here’s a thought just because I felt a light feeling of joy after realizing that it isn’t enough to just be depressed and pull myself down to regression every time, considering that fact I have so much to live about than the pressure of loving you.

Here are just some good things I thought having to quote about…

“I’m not going to stress over you anymore. It isn’t worth it. I tried to work something out but you just ignored it. I’m not trying to say I don’t want you, because I definitely do. All I’m saying is I’m done chasing after you.”

You made me feel alive when you came, I can’t hide that truth and will never lose it in me, I was living a great memory for myself, you made me whole, I felt complete but on that day and the days next I felt nothing coming from you and if you were trying it doesn’t make me feel appreciated instead I felt used, gained for and praised for having you pleasured. For making a man out of you, for satisfying what I thought I was lovingly giving for you I thought and dreamed you very well deserved?

“I’m fighting to get you out of my head but I’m holding onto every word that you ever said.”

Every night I stare blankly at the ceiling, endlessly crying and tearing away because up until then I don’t know where to place myself in your life. You never told me where should I enter or should I even have the right to stay!?? It was difficult pulling you away; I just hope I can get over it, praying that one day I’ll be over you. I won’t forget you.

“I’m not going to be that rebound guy, the guy you just come to when you want him, the guy who loves you with everything he has but yet you give nothing. I’m not willing to be that guy anymore. Sorry, sweetie, but I’m gone.”

I said I would never think of that being the rebound one from your recent break-up, never did that escape my mind until now. I want to keep it to myself. I want to erase it in mind. It’s not the kind of you. I know you’re just too different from others.

“And I have come to realize that he’s just a guy, a special one maybe, but he’s not mine. And I don’t need to do things to make him love me. If he wanted to he would.”

I can never have lost you. I never ever did. Why!?? One answer: you never were mine, I may have had you lie with me on those day and night but actually being with you holding your hand, hugging you around and to cherish every time we are together with no bounds ever did happen. I can’t blame you if you can’t feel my love. I can’t tell how much I’ve longed of having you still I lost the mere fact of knowing how you used to.

“Here’s a piece of advice let go when you’re hurting too much, give up when love isn’t enough, and move on when things aren’t like before. Surely there is someone out there who will love you more.”

I may not have known you for a lifetime but I felt something from you, you were a person with feelings and a loving one too but now all I have are more questions of doubt and insensitivity than answers of what could be us. I don’t know why you stopped, why you didn’t bother, no calls, no texts like you used to and for one thing, where was the truth on that ‘’I Love You”.

You are different, quite unique from others. Now all it seemed that you were just some mirror of shaded mystery and anonymity to oneself. If one day you’ve realized, I have so much for you. I’ll be waiting. I have you here still loving. I’ll be looking on the road ready to welcome you in my home if it struck you to go back and if not, I’ll have it opened for me to wander on how beautiful my life can be with or without you.

“Move on. It is just a chapter in the past, but don't close the book - just turn the page.”

 And yeah, I am not closing the book just yet. Who knows you might just be a page away from my own book of life and I’m leaving some blank space there if you plan to fill it with. Though this time there’ll be more pages filled away from you, make sure you hurry up I might just be havin’ so much fun and you’ll be left out. I hope you won’t. 

And here I am, praying you’ll find peace too. Admit it. Be a man for yourself as I did for my own. I was just too ready to be man enough for us but you just can’t for reasons I respect and understand but for how long then!?? How long would I stay on questions when there are more answers and life outside my homey heart??!

I still love you no matter what other people would say about me and you. This is just why I’m taking a step farther for my life. For us and for how much I can love to meet you someday on the crossroads of our lives.

Good luck, boy.

My Plead To Goodbye.

This is a letter for you my love.

You’ve made me feel used and gained for,

All the more like a one night stand,

A fresh picking and thrown when bitten.

You told me how much you love me,

I should’ve figured out you’re even scared to try it out,

You sang me a song to pacify your heart,

After all, you seem to have taken mine up the hilltop.

I know there are things that you see in me you liked,

But why do I feel that not a thought of what we were seemed important.

Not a call, not a message??? I don’t ask much.

Through this at least I’ll know I have something to look forward for.

The blade is beyond my reach,

Reckless of slitting me slow,

I’ve tried to make my life at risk,

To go in the dark and by the next bend hope some car swerves me dead.

This is my note to you,

My sweetest goodbye, my unrequited surrender,

I hope a lovelorn let go if you pleased,

The death of my soul as wished.

My Painful Love.

I woke up today trying to figure out how I can get over it.

'Twas 2 days ago, on the 8^th of the 11^th month of this year. Still fresh with it, your musk was all I can smell, the soft touch of your lips I just can’t help but bite on it, you unwrapped me on that day and I gave you almost what you wanted. What you needed and what we both longed for.

I missed you that much. All I can feel now was that soft embrace, to be within your arms. You broke the stead in me. But why do I fear what life has to offer?? What would happen to both of us!??

I lay here for 2 days now… waking up all washed up from a tiring sleep, I was on a trauma, I’m going crazy every minute and every song seems to sadden me even more, I chose to listen at them as I chose to be with you that day.

You left me hanging now, I don’t want to push you away and regret that I ever did know you. But why am I this impatient?? At doubt or in fear of having you and having us, is there an explanation to what we have?!?

I lay every night rolling, crying, feeling all drained for all I can think about was you. No drug can dispel me from this tormented lovelorn.

I sat every now and then alone on my bed thinking how it should work and how should I move on, I simply can’t forget how that feeling we had when we were both closer than a kiss.

I just want to jump and break away, get drowned at a sea or be eaten alive. At least for that one thought I get to have pain more than what I have.

I needed a place for me to hide, to cower and to curl, a place where I can think but all what’s left of that dreamy bench was more darkness than day.

A confusing panorama of mundane thinking, of hurt and ever grayer scenes swirling, overwhelming, suffocating and sucking the life out of this soul.

All I can do is take a breath, and let go. No tears are falling, not a single drop to stain, am I hurting this much when that time I have been missing you and all I could do is long and wait!??

I can sit here all day like some statue at a road, slowly watching life unfolding unwary of me as I grow old, aged and used. Where is that spirit of how I used to be?? The jolly one? The happy go lucky? The smiles I have had!?

The times when I haven’t known you. It wasn't a mistake to have you, to know you and be near you. But after all that has happened everything seems to end even before it could start. Am I the one to blame for giving you what you needed?? For being this impatient for my love returned? For showing me how you cared and be true to your words??

I’m new to this, so please don’t keep me hanging. Please don’t make me spare a blade to think about. Please don’t make me regret that being alive means not actually living a life. Please… I beg of you. Show me the least that you even wanted this and not just some one time thought.

I love you for all the right reasons and would be ready to risk you for all the wrong ones. I don’t want you as a mistake but I needed you like you were the best thing that has ever happened yet.

Don't Make Me Go.

I know you’re there.

Please don’t make me go away,

I have been on search for you,

Crying over wasted times,

How I reached this far not to say goodbye.

I have seen you.

I wish what we have can last,

It was never what it should if we never shared true,

I dreamed of you with us forever will,

How I hope that this is real.

That kiss we shared.

It was all that mattered in my mind,

Your lips in mine,

You were my first and i hope would last,

Please make me be wrong for what I think.

Dear lover, dear you.

I want us as me and you,

This feeling we have, I need and want,

Please don’t make me go, don’t make me hate myself to have you longed,

Please don’t make me leave you for the right wrong reasons,

Please don’t make me when I have to.

Please don’t make me go.

Just For You.

I find myself staring blankly at the ceiling,

Smiling endlessly like a fool.

Shedding a tear every now and then,

Thinking how we are seems so real.

I was on a dreamland being with you.

If time and place permits I’ll hold your hand,

Never let go, kiss you hard,

Hug you even close.

Alone, together barely apart,

Yet we remained distant at heart.

Unsure, doubtful, a mix of excitement,

Taking chances and laying motives.

You’re my secret temptation, my guilty fantasy,

My hidden agenda and my ecstatic risqué.

That simple peck, that sexy tease,

All I could answer were the shivers on my spine.

That brush of heat both from our skin,

Bringing us close together even more.

I already miss you, wishing to have it again.

All by ourselves, mischief in mind.

Pure, consented and honest.

Remembered, treasured and unforgettable.

You’re my sweet surrender, my impish daydream,

My tonic whisper and that tease-full whim.

For you gave that impossibility a not-so forbidden fact,

To have you as someone I love.

The Seasoned Tree.

This is the story of the Tree who barely knew what it has grown to be until it started to live.

There it was sitting beside a pond; sad, daunting and high on its youth.

One day, a flock of birds flew on its branches and pecked on a garnish of fruits hanging on every twig. Enthralled by its sweetness, the birds gorge on the ecstatic buffet up to the last seed. The Tree smiled as it was graced with guests but with bad luck, one by one they all fell right into the water, so full those poor birds can’t flap their wings and soon drowned, dead under the pond’s brackish bed.

Then came a colony of ants and crawled on its trunk, bit there, cling here, hole there and here. A few days passed and a big storm came... not a drop filled the hole the ants bore into. The colony lived feasting on the sap rich within the Trees trunk and this made the Tree happy for it was having guest. Still with the most unfortunate event, the colony perished quick, poisoned for they had too much.

The Tree grew cold and bowed down from despair, its leaves hanging like it was praying for what reason should it have been created to only bring harm to many.

Days passed…

The Tree sat strong beside the pond shading a tiny slope. All was quiet when giggles from behind it crossed the hilltop from where it stands. It was a hot summer. Children were playing under it, shading them from the streaks of the longing sun. It smiled after long years from its sorrow, happy to have guests once more.

Autumn came, under that same Tree two lovers left their promises carved on its trunks and run away with hands held tight.

Winter was never left out, as an old man came by its frozen branches, cut them off and shed fire with its embrace.

Lo, came spring, the pond clearer, long gone were its forlorn scene and sad hue. Blossoms covered the treetop like it was a crown, a bed of roses just sitting by its roots like some fashioned slippers and on the now bent branches grew beautiful heart-shaped leaves, waving and dancing as the cool breeze tickled it.

A soft chuckle came from behind the Tree as a child ran off followed by a couple. Then and there the Tree knew what it was for. For years the Tree stood ground. Age however come soon no matter how time made it strong, it slowly crippled and broken down to no lesser than its trunk. Leaving it lying there, blank and withering.

On that summer of many past moons budded a sprout of green and brown, it was soaring quickly, yet with peculiarity was it bowing down shading that aged trunk smiling below along the now blue pond swimming still adorned with lilies, ready to begin life anew.