Me, Myself & I: I want you back.

I miss my old me. That part of me who used to laugh hard, smiling all day like some silly fool, talking to friends for some thought out of the blue, playing around like a preschooler, and just sitting on that good corner where I can see everything from a vantage point and admire the life that unfolds.

All these years, countless I say, that I can have a time alone. Like just me, an empty room, not a noise heard… just that moment where I can doze off, or even see good flashbacks rolling in front of me.

That time when all that matters was using the best crayon, sharpening my favorite pencil and choosing the smoothest paper to get done with. When all I can think of was recess, when school’s over, running to and fro, sit still and chat with friends and go home.

I’d say there is no harm in looking back. It’s a good thing. A refresher, something to note in some few lessons learned from mistakes of the past. Maybe some old memories to paint a smile on the face can be useful, perhaps a good event to be remembered simply because feeling a little cathartic is inevitable. Needles to say, whatever I am now reflects what I have and haven’t been when I was young, a keeper of myself to others and even a keeper of what I am to my own.

I don’t regret my past, I don’t hate what I’ve become it’s just that I don’t really realize yet what I can be and will be in the future. The fear of not knowing what lies beyond is normal, exhilarating, ecstatic and jovially infantile.

To end, I have thought about just doing what’s good for many, cared for a few and I may be sinfully praising myself yet again… I missed my self-centered ego, I just can’t take away the fact that there was once a Me, Myself & I.

Shedding Off.

I have neither all the reasons not to be confused nor the entire possible conclusion that I shouldn’t be. For good sakes I am of the stature that seemingly having that genuine feeling of affection to another is inexplicitly shorn of right and somehow with the hypocritical stigma that I have for myself undeniably proves for my disdain for the being that I am. I of many people encouraging the idea of equality and now here I am rationalizing that I may have unmistakably felt a close affection and only with a little twist to the same gender, not liking it or perhaps feared the very thought of actually feeling it.

I’m out. I know. Does that make me a bisexual?? I don’t know. It sounds quite homophobic, I admit it.

I don’t have to rally that I like girls, but I do.

This time though, things just are not the same as it used to be. I never felt something so true, so fulfilling, and just some kind of drawn out feeling every time I hear the voice, saw the face and paint that smile on that gentle face. I have wasted too much time rationalizing things even if I had that gut feeling that I had this before. The only difference that what was once a thought of actually falling madly deeply is now a feeling that not only makes me succumb for it and at the same time push me for yearning it even more.

Am I this bored of being single?? 

I don’t have to be big with words with this blog, I just figured out that maybe this is time… little by little that if there is a change I need to accept and if I have to be fulfilled and not embarrassed of what deeds would I be doing in the future it should be starting with me. By saying it all out, not too soon just slower at pace, not rushing my chances but never being left off of what to do.

There is only one thing I hope for, and that I find solace… an inner peace. That was a laugh. This is change; at least it does something in me, a light of hope, and just maybe for some miracle of things falling into place and just like everything… to live.

Finally, I just had a blog that actually made sense.

1 bottle & 2 shots.

Loud noise...

Fun and boisterous laughs,

Complimentary jeers,

And just plainly hanging out.

The good rock symphonies of the road was all it took to dance the night off, we chatted and strolled about the entire party-filled street for it was after all, a Mardi Gras-themed festivity.

To end it all up, from 9 people come by 3. Filling our guts with liquor and booze… The talk a lengthy for a couple of minutes… a bottle of tonic gin to wave away time and 2 shots of tequila for the road. I had nothing to say but a good smile in my face curving up, and a good bubbly feeling in my head.

Vertigo-like. Head stomper.

That Kiss.

It was all but different, that sight came in too fast.

The light all dimmer, gray was the spectrum for bright. 

Unseen images walks us by, I can see you approaching slowly pinning to the ground, at first I was never at ease, what were you doing!?? In front of all these people, but I can’t help it… somehow whatever you’re doing makes it more irresistible. 

Helpless, cornered and weak from your gentle force, pushing down that paved floor. 

Then you did the unthinkable, that thing I’ve always dreamt of, a surge of ecstatic pleasure went through my spine… I never expected it but one way or another I was wishing for it and I liked it.

Your nose brush through my chin, you jumped over and placed that kiss on my forehead… it was warm, the grayness still embracing me. You intend to do it, to teach me how… to let me feel.

I was scared, excited someway taken aback yet I couldn’t help the feeling of letting out a smile.

And exactly the way it should happen, your lips caught mine, locking it gently… warm, soft & caressing.

Seriously, It Doesn't Make Sense. At All.

It would be pleasing enough to start this month with a good sign and that is updating my blog. Ages or let me put this straight, out of all the times I was too complacent to even type a word took me to finally have the toughest of will to have something to say on this white blank technological parchment. I know, you can blame it on me but I do have some reasons though they don’t need putting up deserve to be recognized… I need some bit of a break. Things have changed now, I’m well aware that my netizen status is not as rampant as it should be, I don’t act as whore-ish on some ideas I intend to write nor do I any more say words too mundane for me. Likewise, the fact stays that I still have the attitude of making no sense at all.

This update states for some reason that I am writing soon… there’ll be more. It’ll be different from the usual melodramatic ones but I never said I’ll be leaving away the thought of making some depressive speculations for which I am known for. It just never gets old.

For one thing, I hope for good tidings for the months to come and maybe some good news right after. A good spoiling wouldn’t hurt as too much of anything.

And for the record, the picture I’ll be attaching and the idea I just typed for some update doesn’t make sense at all. You know what I mean. It’s for the sake of it.

The Rose: An Elegy

Green grass draped my court,

Sleeping with them, crickets snoring musically.

The sweet rustle as the wind kissed the leaves,

The gentle sway of trees on the morning breeze.

A patch of two of rosemaries to the left;

Golden blooms of sunflower seeding bright,

Through the right tulips adorned,

A bird’s shower stand amidst, marbled and tall.

Yet there was one that sits and glow

A tiny bud of the first summer rose.

Tightened from rim to end,

Closed from what the world brings ahead.

It sat up high on its bud,

Adorned by the jewels of morning dews that hangs.

It peeked a little and gave away it’s scent

Young, innocent and exquisitely enticing.

The sun draw ablaze its beautiful rays,

Making miracles as it touches land.

For everything that have slept in the night

Gave color as the world go shined.

Blues, reds, pinks and violets.

A schematic wheel of colors paint the floor.

The trees sung as the heat flared the winds,

All those alive woke up and pranced in.

But of all the joy in nature’s artistry,

Still this beautiful bud kept close.

The day came fast,

The festivity at end all too soon.

Purple glazed the sky;

Darkness gave it’s fury with a cold daunting gust,

Unnerved by all, it stood still,

The rose slowly bloooming.

The moon lit up quick to pace

To emanate it’s beauty bloody as red,

A bossom form it’s bud

Came all the curves, trims and points.

Alas it shan’t been told,

That what fear it has to be bold,

That rose ought to bloom,

A storm would be its doom.

A drop or two a lot to many,

It can cower no more

For the gale’s fury,

Torn, bleeding, falling & bending.

That morning came and askew a dew;

Ablazed the sun, painting the garden,

One among those was missing,

That mightful rose nowhere to be seen.

Trampled on the ground, brown and dying,

Stems bent, leaves torn,

Not even it’s soul left to sow,

An oddity to beauty comes to dirt.

Who gives the chance  a pass,

Is from those who holds their future.

Never lay waste of that opportunity,

It doesn’t come twice or knock to another.

Take the chance, say what you mean, show what you want. Don't leave it through, don't waste it pass.

Out Of Frustration

This is one of many reasons why professionals with experience leave the country. Workers with good education search for greener pastures and others opt to transfer on a new workplace and begin another gruesome thought of adjusting just because in their very own agency they become static and unmoved because some petty relation to the government exists and you aren’t politically strong enough to be leveled as an option as deserving on the position you are supposed to be in.

This is why the system sucks. The reason why the country does not become economically and politically stable (2 factors greatly affecting the nation) for some appalling thought of the “padrino” effect. It sucks and in some reason very frustrating! But what else can we do but stay in the fact that even our leaders become the very idols/the models/ the sore source of it all.

This is some thought out of frustration that needs reading. That needs time. That needs attention and for some reason I am risking this all for some good result. There is nothing I can truly give out a cry.

It just sucks!