...just because I Miss You...

It was the blank white when it all started. I was staring endlessly on the computer screen unnerved of my surroundings if it was later than the usual dose of sleep I should be getting. Nothing seems any much mundane than that night. I was listening to the dampness of the whistling wind, the silent rustling of leaves and the endless opera of the night.

I was about to tear it up when that little red light came flashing. We never knew each other. I was never your constant stalker. We were both strangers.

And long after that my world did changed. I was searching for you. You made me tear away. You had me on sleepless nights. You just can’t get off of my head. I was insane. It was more than just a good talk of companionship.

Then again just as I was telling myself, I don’t have to surrender, I have to think let my emotions pull away and act like nothing exist. I was good at this. Pretending to be happy and feeling fine and all. I have lost myself on the predicament that I might just fall for a person like you.

There is nothing implicated for us both as a relationship would only mean the worst thought I can ever handle. Still that time you made me strong, made me feel appreciated, and cared at.

But all I know is one thing, I can have you even if we just can’t be, I know that one thing… I just miss you for now.

Don'ts ! ! !

Don’t talk to me when you’re lonely, 

don't ask for my help when you’re sad.

Don’t bother surfing' the net if you have nothing to say, 

don't even try making me laugh.

Don’t lie to me that you cared, 

don't fake a smile 'coz I feel scared.

Don’t even try to be with me; 

don't wish I could be there.

What I want you to do...

is tell me when you NEED me

'coz I’ll be there for you...

FRIEND.

Catharsis!!!

Sitting at pace through time unnerved by the thought that for some time now I’d way pass bed time and for some more reasons I still have things un done. I have a lot of them. Many of which pass the opportunity of chance while a few were a scare of wits and the loss of tact. It takes me to the burden of carrying the very soul of unfinished business that I still have to come back through, or is it just me to find solace on not swallowing my pride and end up losing the ones I dear most for not doing what I thought and felt right… at this time I realize that it does exist! That gut feeling when something wrong happens and the right thing to do comes in your mind and so is the feeling that it should be done.

I have spent the day trying to get over the sudden outburst of momentary tears after waking up from an unnecessary bummer and blurt out of inconsiderate loss of respect and utter immaturity. Still, this does not give me the right to ensue an unruly disinterest of a certain significant moment. More so enabling the rise of sarcasm and cynicism. I’ve gone mad, have I???

I find it quite ridiculous though that I have to burden my soul. Hoping by any chance I got some miracle to lease that renting conscience out of discussion.

This may mean nothing. But I do hope that catharsis gives away.

Some Things Sucks For A Reason ^^,

Some call this day the best of all days in a week.

I never thought it’d be this memorable. Oh yeah! It will be… who would’ve thought that I’ll have my first car accident. I never saw it coming. Time flew fast. Things happen and well, it was inevitable.

I was zooming for the exit when this small cab truck came swerving on the same direction. I was really clueless that he’d already hit me until he gave out a cry.

Nerves blew up! And I just couldn’t believe it. It’s like facing a rather big emergency and I was in it. I was no audience of it but a person involve in it.

Of all those 2 years of escaping close car swerve, sudden brakes, and some near the thought car collisions. I just had my first car side hit. And of all places I should be on an accident is within the confines of my area of duty.

The authorities came, called my mom. The man who hit me was blabbing, my friend assuring me that I did no wrong. It was trauma. The last thing I thought was how I am s’pose to face my mom with the car crash.

And she came… talking to the man who I had the participation on this unlikely car accident. It was a T – bone car hit, a side accident where the head of the hitting car goes against on the car doors of another.

It only dawned to me that I was this close to passing out when I handed my license to the police and saw that I was trembling. My hand was shaking. And I was just trying my best to make it happen like I was tired.

It was a nag. Everyone was staring at me. Staff from the DR, some friends and personnel who happen to work in the main center and it seemed like anything on TV.

I can’t break into a laugh but in some way I placed a smile and hoped that I’ll do fine.

It was all over as it had started that instant. I can’t help but think of it until I passed out to sleep and read some good mails from friends. What was good about it, it was a good serving as an initiation and I just wish there wouldn’t be more.

All is well.

I'm not the Man who used to be

What’s in it for you!?

What’s in it for us??

I can never be self-less like this, I used to be self-centered before,

I brought you tears when you needed a smile

I brought sleepless nights when those times we should be havin’ a great time...

Those were before… I learned from it, never to start a relationship unless I chose to.

We meet again; all is well I thought for we’re now wiser than the child we used to be.

All grown up, time and distance brought changes and so the ideas we had.

But look at what happen, I still resolve to reasons at times you think right.

The guilt I have at your pleas.

I don’t want to sound all knowing,

I think of none but your mending heart,

That lovely piece I ought to heal,

The one I broke to pieces when I shouldn’t have to.

I hope you understand,

I’m a changed man,

I’ve learned to close doors when I want to…

I’ve taught my mind to think beyond emotion…

For what I am now… there is one changed thing.

I’m not that boy who can give you the laugh, 

the one to put a smile on your face.

The one you blight to love no more…

 For I’m not the man you used to love before.

Saturday Blues

I live in a fairy tale where no end exist,

I live in a world where no man did.

I think of thoughts none too many,

I search for fantasies sought by few.

Looking ahead on a barren sea;

Soul less as vacuum,

 Empty as space,

Black and dense like no life in it.

Staring blankly through the sky like rain on summer

Dry, silent, dusty and scorched in heat.

Wishing a whisper or a rush of wind,

And as likely as it was waiting in vain.

the WINDING days ahead

Passing by every corner of the day’s I’ve been on waking… trying all the efforts I can master to just lay out plans and foresee incredulous plans. It means it all wonderful how things occur out of a sudden, transpired thoughts dancing through the schemes of your eyes, colors of vivid emotions playing the tease off your soul and erratic mundane-ness that never become of the unusual.

There are days I’ll feel this fool talking all about love, feeling like I was some teenager giggling as I saw my crush. Can’t stop smiling, barely even say something and all those jittery thought prancing and hopping like wild fawns singing with their good satyrs.

Sometimes, I can think of some idiotic thought and laugh inside. Insane!?? I don’t think so, I'm just a random guy trying to fill in the lost quarter of explicit self-romanticism.

Incomparably my position right now demands not much from what I am expected to do, loving my job, giving more than I can have, smiling at the idea that I’ll be more of a factor in changing a life of some chance guest in my life as I embrace the perks and responsibilities of my profession. Finding some solitary place to be proud of it when I’m alone, quiet and one with myself.

Things can run at bay and all I can see are lines of shades and black and whites swaying beyond the expanse of a dune. Everything in its path like some luminescent alien life form glowing amidst the darker vacuum of space. Resolute and consistent of its origin.

Though how depressing these episodes I’ve been to and played the part of a character out of desperation and self-defamed causes yet some pure escape of irreplaceable arbitrary joy would wound up the scorned façade I have. A mask perhaps or maybe just another outlet of words inexpressible.