All The World's A Confusion

The flowers lay scattered on the floor,

A withered stone dying as the rain pounds it to ashes.

That sort of existence that spells irrational thinking,

The kind that speaks for no reason, abiding yet inane.

All I want to see was the quintessential signs to what makes a thought behind every lie made. To dispose origin for no other cause of its birth. To explain science besides the nurture we get from literacy of mankind. A fraction of solution written or expressed, to enlighten whatever chooses to hide. A blasé greeting over some idea that such commonality conveys mundane-ness.

There is no clarity in broken glasses, only shards of pain.

A joke in every smile, spells hurt.

A curse over a few valued guests, a true person revealed.

Karma beyond the measure of doubt, a ruthless sin is priced.

Speak less of what shan’t be said.

Speak more of what pleased is right.

Do more than what is expected.

Expect less than to what noble thing done.

Who could not impale himself of wishful thinking, expectations running about to some desires un-granted, wants never given, needs demised to insufficiency and life deprived out of insensate frustrations.

Closing all doors to lock yourself in, pleading that no one will open it, wishing that even you won’t give in.

To cry at the peak of what seem the shameful of situations one can hide from.

Finding some lost soul over the scarred tombs lay enveloped by moss, clothed by the gray mist, shadowed by every fallen leaf. Looking up at the skeleton of a tree that used to be this graveyards beauty, now a barren excuse for a miracle of life. Sucked by the withering storms that came passing it, all the rains that cried with it, the feared sparks of lightning that tried to lay ash on it, and those creatures that shed away precious parts from it, leaving it crawling back to growth.

Staring now at the time, the sandman knocks on my eyes telling me to foresee what lies ahead. Death by its side patiently greeting me… where could be my companion?! Am I seeing things?! Or I just make what I want to think?!

In choosing what feels best, than to love and be loved… to pursuit the idea of a humdrum emotion. People would eye me the way a criminal would feel on guilty as charged. The complexity of human sentiment over his own. The curse of apathy with trying to choose what to feel and not to express. The fear of losing the strings one so dearly tied and created. Every spool of proven time in every given moment cherished, enjoyed and experienced are the unavoidable truth that time can on no account turn back… it passes so as those that death visits a dying man.

I couldn’t lay sleep as all these stances picks like a playing piano over a dancing rumble of rocks.

Like teardrops on a rainy day.

A drop of blotted dew on a gloomy afternoon.

I have nothing. Nothing at all.

A curse of nothingness damaged to the core, bloodstained & aching. Lost in my own sarcasm. A disdain on everyone’s face. The blemish of what was done & the wounds of scars that’ll be forming soon.

I have no reason to stay awake, lay wasted on my bed, thinking of nothing but my imminent death...

...PsYcHoSiS...

Fire ignites when combustion occurs, so is electricity produced when a positive and a negative force react, sound from a bell is made when it is ringed and sparks would clatter from embers hiding amongst the worn out heap of ash when tossed around. Usual. Common. Phenomenal one may see it so. Yet, in all these facts one thought brings up… a Start.

Everything seemed so right. It all started like the same “how are you” and “how you’ve been”. Just that. Nothing more. Enjoying a good sms-chat. Regular Adult-wanna-be’s trying to act like they’re all grown up. But in those tiny conversations some things left unsettled from the past contrives some new things that can barely keep up from what was left before. It’s like digging in from an unfinished hole to making either a deep patch of emptiness in the soil or just doing some hard work without the most of reasonable details to where this certain scheme is going to.

I know. All these are confusing and queer that I find it quite un-interesting & insensible.

This page even would look like some psychotics daily diary and some random therapist could just find this and diagnose me with a disorder. I guess, that’d be some thought I should’ve written about in the first few lines.

I can’t finish this! To tell you that… and one may say, I’ve waste too many a page in my entry to even have the audacity to publish this petty thing to be a manuscript in my blog. But who effin’ cares.

I don’t give a damn!

Portrait by Bill Shain

http://billshain.com/Page04.html

A Random Afternoon...

Sitting here… all alone, ideas, thoughts and some stuff creeping inside my head. Asking myself what better things to do besides staying still and moving about the house!? I really don’t have the single of clues to what interesting activities besides cleaning up the yard trickled with fallen leaves from the trees surrounding the house. Nothing more but afternoon chores I’ve grown accustomed with, thereafter, I sit, eat, move about or if not look endless over a blank web page thinking what decent phrases would spur out of my busy stagnant mind.

What happens now?! What’s next!?

Looking up, all I see is a blue sky with scattered clouds moving in, passing by, blown off by the wind.

The wind kisses my cheek every now and then, the soft rustle of the leaves that go by with it; the playful chirping of every bird nestled on the trees, and the glary streaks of the setting sun.

These past few days, all I can think of is work but not totally moving or if not, staying for that annoying ring hoping that somehow it meant I’m up and vacation’s over. Yet, all I have are a few inane missed calls and blank inboxes filled in with telecom updates. Boring. Blank. Useless.

Mocking the time, every day all I have to think about in every waking hour I have are the chores I’ve thought about every night before I die to a melatonin-filled tantra or those things that are yet to be done. Routine stuff.

What goes after this!? What happens next?? Queries so broad any thought of rationalizing would be some ridicule to oneself as it is unsolved even simplified thought measure of intelligence or dumb-wittedness.

I can go no longer with this literacy as the human attention span as abide to mine is no shorter than an hour and no longer than the aforementioned statement.  Suffice it to say; the looming darkness would soon be embracing me as the cold drafts shall tickle my toes, making goose bumps creep along my spine… stars would scatter in the night sky and I hope the moon would bring light tonight. But it will be hours from now before all these sceneries happen.

For now, I’ll wait for the sky to turn purple and the sun to glow blood orange. The setting of the sun is about to start and the day is almost at the end… where would I be??!

I’m in the best place in this world. I’m where I want myself to be. Standing still, watching a beautiful random afternoon.

Loneliness

Cold drafts blows through the window and all I can do is lay victim on every freezing tingle I get from it. Winter winds from the north pass through the country hinting that the white-flaky holidays are coming in and frosty, darker nights would be looming from the corner at every purple sunset.

It’s half past 11:00pm and the clock ticks like no unusual occurrence. Normal. Mundane.

A blue paved page lays blankly for my eyes to see and my mind to fill with ideas I don’t have the single clue what may mean. Looking through it as every click matters nothing but some idiot’s incapacitated plea for attention. Noting more like some dense belief over something so unreal to fill with life even in its inert of existence.

Say, boredom has its benefits and the setbacks could just be more tormenting than dealing with the fact that some productivity could be well earned from it. To add, boredom has its twin… depression comes all too easy as it goes to hard.

I may say it might just be the weather, rain have had its untimely visit since the early streaks of sunlight.

Or maybe because I chose to be depressed, sad, lonely… thinking what could’ve been. Filling the frustrations in things I can never have. Playing the saddest of songs. Looking at some person’s face I can never be with. Speculating on thoughts that could never come across my basic thinking. Dreaming wildly over minute ambitions that would mean a lot.

There is no drama in life. There is only hope.

There is no fear or doubt. Only the strength to face the odds.

There is no sadness. Only more tears of joy.

There is no broken. Only a choice to be success.

There is no death. Only the will to live.

Love beyond measure.

Happiness amidst every grief.

There is nothing incomparable to what one can get to what one can’t think of but to what one can do.

Cold. Rain. Frost. All to sum up, this sad hymn I play as I choose to be depress and bored to make this few reasonable piece of literacy.

Just because i was hungry :D

I was at this mall’s parking lot waiting for my mom and brother when I just have this oh so normal event in my life that I just want to brag about and I think a good entry in my blog wouldn’t hurt that much.

The day was over and all I’ve had left to do was place the bloody key in the ignition and start the damn car. But here comes this gal, well I can’t say that she’s a girl or some woman as she looks quite somebody of my age on the premise that I see her quite as young as I am (don’t argue on that! I am young and well…. I’m still young! And will always beJ) and to add, she looks fine. And so here she was just doing about her business, stopping, placing her bag over the vehicle, opening her bag and searching for something, finally finding that group of tinkling metals, and I have turn to my left or else she might notice that I was staring at her in the confines of my own vehicle (ever got the feeling sometimes that you’re being stared at!? It feels awesome especially when you’re like sporting a good get-up but when things are just so normal and you feel like someone’s staring at you, spell-----creepy!). So, by the time I have to stare back she was inside her own vehicle with the engine running and as I can assume it her AC’s is on! You go girl! She after all looks fine! I admit that! I wouldn’t be staring at her almost every passing minute if she doesn’t look good, albeit to that, she is after all a gal of my age though sometimes some women do look good even at their late 40’s and enough of that. I was a feelin’ a little of a show-off myself and made my own engines work and putting my own AC’s in its own glory. I closed my windows, I just can’t stop staring at her to what she would do next and later on I would regret that I ever had the urge to keep on turning every opportune glance at her! And yes I regret it!

She was enjoying a stick of hotdog! Would you believe that!?! Not just any stick of hotdog!? But that hotdog is like some tasty one, its like sold in that mall’s supermarket hot and dribbling with deadly cholesterol-filled oil all over it and when you get your hands on that stick you’ll just have to gobble on it and finish it off. Then and there I realized I was hungry! And starving’ but not totally deprived of food… blame it all to an early dinner! I was just there sitting at my own driver’s seat, listening to some music while the gal beside me in her own driver’s seat was enjoying a stick of hot hotdog, how’s that!! My tummy was rumbling but then I told myself not to give in… it was fight of neediness and want-ness. It was quite a battle when she finally decided to really work her engines and off she went to her business of driving home to where she’s s’pose to go to.

I was there feeling relieved and a little distraught that I could’ve acted a total jerk just a few minutes ago staring at some random person and swooning over that random person’s random enjoyment over a stick of random treat! It sure was a laugh as I started the car into the drive and off I go to fetch my mom. I can’t believe I just did that! It kept me thinking up to the whole minute of driving when my mom finally has to barge in the car and break the silence of what had just happen.

In all, it was a good evening. And that little perverted incident will just have to be some inane thought formed out of some random act just because I was being me… observant and a little too off the hook to be called quite a stalker. 

Dive For Dreams By E.E. Cummings

dive for dreams or a slogan may topple you

(trees are their roots and wind is wind)

trust your heart if the seas catch fire

(and live by love though the stars walk backward)

honor the past but welcome the future

(and dance your death away at the wedding)

never mind a world with its villains or heroes

(for good likes girls and tomorrow and the earth)

in spite of everything which breathes and moves, since Doom

(with white longest hands neating each crease)

will smooth entirely our minds -before leaving my room

I turn,

and (stooping through the morning)

kiss this pillow, dear where our heads lived and were.

silently if, out of not knowable

silently if, out of not knowable night's utmost nothing,

wanders a little guess

(only which is this world?)

more my life does not leap than with the mystery your smile sings

or if

(spiraling as luminous they climb oblivion)

voices who are dreams,

less into heaven certainly earth swims

than each my deeper death becomes your kiss

losing through you what seemed myself,

I find selves unimaginably mine;

beyond sorrow's own joys and hoping's very fears

yours is the light by which my spirit's born:

yours is the darkness of my soul's return

you are my sun, my moon, and all my stars

It's about "Taking Chances"

Quoted in the movie, Charlie St. Cloud

If Everything Happens That Can't Be Done By E. E. Cummings

If everything happens that can't be done
(and anything's righter than books could plan)
the stupidest teacher will almost guess

(with a run skip around we go yes)
there's nothing as something as one

one hasn't a why or because or although
(and buds know better than books don't grow)
one's anything old being everything new
(with a what which around we go who)
one's every anything so

so world is a leaf is a tree is a bough
(and birds sing sweeter than books tell how)
so here is away and so you’re is a my
(with a down up around again fly)
forever was never till now

now I love you and you love me
(and books are shutter than books can be)
and deep in the high that does nothing but fall
(with a shout each around we go all)
there's somebody calling who's we

we're everything brighter than even the sun
(we're everything greater than books might mean)
we're every anything more than believe
(with a spin leap alive we're alive)

We’re wonderful one times one