My Painful Love.

I woke up today trying to figure out how I can get over it.

'Twas 2 days ago, on the 8^th of the 11^th month of this year. Still fresh with it, your musk was all I can smell, the soft touch of your lips I just can’t help but bite on it, you unwrapped me on that day and I gave you almost what you wanted. What you needed and what we both longed for.

I missed you that much. All I can feel now was that soft embrace, to be within your arms. You broke the stead in me. But why do I fear what life has to offer?? What would happen to both of us!??

I lay here for 2 days now… waking up all washed up from a tiring sleep, I was on a trauma, I’m going crazy every minute and every song seems to sadden me even more, I chose to listen at them as I chose to be with you that day.

You left me hanging now, I don’t want to push you away and regret that I ever did know you. But why am I this impatient?? At doubt or in fear of having you and having us, is there an explanation to what we have?!?

I lay every night rolling, crying, feeling all drained for all I can think about was you. No drug can dispel me from this tormented lovelorn.

I sat every now and then alone on my bed thinking how it should work and how should I move on, I simply can’t forget how that feeling we had when we were both closer than a kiss.

I just want to jump and break away, get drowned at a sea or be eaten alive. At least for that one thought I get to have pain more than what I have.

I needed a place for me to hide, to cower and to curl, a place where I can think but all what’s left of that dreamy bench was more darkness than day.

A confusing panorama of mundane thinking, of hurt and ever grayer scenes swirling, overwhelming, suffocating and sucking the life out of this soul.

All I can do is take a breath, and let go. No tears are falling, not a single drop to stain, am I hurting this much when that time I have been missing you and all I could do is long and wait!??

I can sit here all day like some statue at a road, slowly watching life unfolding unwary of me as I grow old, aged and used. Where is that spirit of how I used to be?? The jolly one? The happy go lucky? The smiles I have had!?

The times when I haven’t known you. It wasn't a mistake to have you, to know you and be near you. But after all that has happened everything seems to end even before it could start. Am I the one to blame for giving you what you needed?? For being this impatient for my love returned? For showing me how you cared and be true to your words??

I’m new to this, so please don’t keep me hanging. Please don’t make me spare a blade to think about. Please don’t make me regret that being alive means not actually living a life. Please… I beg of you. Show me the least that you even wanted this and not just some one time thought.

I love you for all the right reasons and would be ready to risk you for all the wrong ones. I don’t want you as a mistake but I needed you like you were the best thing that has ever happened yet.

Don't Make Me Go.

I know you’re there.

Please don’t make me go away,

I have been on search for you,

Crying over wasted times,

How I reached this far not to say goodbye.

I have seen you.

I wish what we have can last,

It was never what it should if we never shared true,

I dreamed of you with us forever will,

How I hope that this is real.

That kiss we shared.

It was all that mattered in my mind,

Your lips in mine,

You were my first and i hope would last,

Please make me be wrong for what I think.

Dear lover, dear you.

I want us as me and you,

This feeling we have, I need and want,

Please don’t make me go, don’t make me hate myself to have you longed,

Please don’t make me leave you for the right wrong reasons,

Please don’t make me when I have to.

Please don’t make me go.

Just For You.

I find myself staring blankly at the ceiling,

Smiling endlessly like a fool.

Shedding a tear every now and then,

Thinking how we are seems so real.

I was on a dreamland being with you.

If time and place permits I’ll hold your hand,

Never let go, kiss you hard,

Hug you even close.

Alone, together barely apart,

Yet we remained distant at heart.

Unsure, doubtful, a mix of excitement,

Taking chances and laying motives.

You’re my secret temptation, my guilty fantasy,

My hidden agenda and my ecstatic risqué.

That simple peck, that sexy tease,

All I could answer were the shivers on my spine.

That brush of heat both from our skin,

Bringing us close together even more.

I already miss you, wishing to have it again.

All by ourselves, mischief in mind.

Pure, consented and honest.

Remembered, treasured and unforgettable.

You’re my sweet surrender, my impish daydream,

My tonic whisper and that tease-full whim.

For you gave that impossibility a not-so forbidden fact,

To have you as someone I love.

The Seasoned Tree.

This is the story of the Tree who barely knew what it has grown to be until it started to live.

There it was sitting beside a pond; sad, daunting and high on its youth.

One day, a flock of birds flew on its branches and pecked on a garnish of fruits hanging on every twig. Enthralled by its sweetness, the birds gorge on the ecstatic buffet up to the last seed. The Tree smiled as it was graced with guests but with bad luck, one by one they all fell right into the water, so full those poor birds can’t flap their wings and soon drowned, dead under the pond’s brackish bed.

Then came a colony of ants and crawled on its trunk, bit there, cling here, hole there and here. A few days passed and a big storm came... not a drop filled the hole the ants bore into. The colony lived feasting on the sap rich within the Trees trunk and this made the Tree happy for it was having guest. Still with the most unfortunate event, the colony perished quick, poisoned for they had too much.

The Tree grew cold and bowed down from despair, its leaves hanging like it was praying for what reason should it have been created to only bring harm to many.

Days passed…

The Tree sat strong beside the pond shading a tiny slope. All was quiet when giggles from behind it crossed the hilltop from where it stands. It was a hot summer. Children were playing under it, shading them from the streaks of the longing sun. It smiled after long years from its sorrow, happy to have guests once more.

Autumn came, under that same Tree two lovers left their promises carved on its trunks and run away with hands held tight.

Winter was never left out, as an old man came by its frozen branches, cut them off and shed fire with its embrace.

Lo, came spring, the pond clearer, long gone were its forlorn scene and sad hue. Blossoms covered the treetop like it was a crown, a bed of roses just sitting by its roots like some fashioned slippers and on the now bent branches grew beautiful heart-shaped leaves, waving and dancing as the cool breeze tickled it.

A soft chuckle came from behind the Tree as a child ran off followed by a couple. Then and there the Tree knew what it was for. For years the Tree stood ground. Age however come soon no matter how time made it strong, it slowly crippled and broken down to no lesser than its trunk. Leaving it lying there, blank and withering.

On that summer of many past moons budded a sprout of green and brown, it was soaring quickly, yet with peculiarity was it bowing down shading that aged trunk smiling below along the now blue pond swimming still adorned with lilies, ready to begin life anew.

Me, Myself & I: I want you back.

I miss my old me. That part of me who used to laugh hard, smiling all day like some silly fool, talking to friends for some thought out of the blue, playing around like a preschooler, and just sitting on that good corner where I can see everything from a vantage point and admire the life that unfolds.

All these years, countless I say, that I can have a time alone. Like just me, an empty room, not a noise heard… just that moment where I can doze off, or even see good flashbacks rolling in front of me.

That time when all that matters was using the best crayon, sharpening my favorite pencil and choosing the smoothest paper to get done with. When all I can think of was recess, when school’s over, running to and fro, sit still and chat with friends and go home.

I’d say there is no harm in looking back. It’s a good thing. A refresher, something to note in some few lessons learned from mistakes of the past. Maybe some old memories to paint a smile on the face can be useful, perhaps a good event to be remembered simply because feeling a little cathartic is inevitable. Needles to say, whatever I am now reflects what I have and haven’t been when I was young, a keeper of myself to others and even a keeper of what I am to my own.

I don’t regret my past, I don’t hate what I’ve become it’s just that I don’t really realize yet what I can be and will be in the future. The fear of not knowing what lies beyond is normal, exhilarating, ecstatic and jovially infantile.

To end, I have thought about just doing what’s good for many, cared for a few and I may be sinfully praising myself yet again… I missed my self-centered ego, I just can’t take away the fact that there was once a Me, Myself & I.

Shedding Off.

I have neither all the reasons not to be confused nor the entire possible conclusion that I shouldn’t be. For good sakes I am of the stature that seemingly having that genuine feeling of affection to another is inexplicitly shorn of right and somehow with the hypocritical stigma that I have for myself undeniably proves for my disdain for the being that I am. I of many people encouraging the idea of equality and now here I am rationalizing that I may have unmistakably felt a close affection and only with a little twist to the same gender, not liking it or perhaps feared the very thought of actually feeling it.

I’m out. I know. Does that make me a bisexual?? I don’t know. It sounds quite homophobic, I admit it.

I don’t have to rally that I like girls, but I do.

This time though, things just are not the same as it used to be. I never felt something so true, so fulfilling, and just some kind of drawn out feeling every time I hear the voice, saw the face and paint that smile on that gentle face. I have wasted too much time rationalizing things even if I had that gut feeling that I had this before. The only difference that what was once a thought of actually falling madly deeply is now a feeling that not only makes me succumb for it and at the same time push me for yearning it even more.

Am I this bored of being single?? 

I don’t have to be big with words with this blog, I just figured out that maybe this is time… little by little that if there is a change I need to accept and if I have to be fulfilled and not embarrassed of what deeds would I be doing in the future it should be starting with me. By saying it all out, not too soon just slower at pace, not rushing my chances but never being left off of what to do.

There is only one thing I hope for, and that I find solace… an inner peace. That was a laugh. This is change; at least it does something in me, a light of hope, and just maybe for some miracle of things falling into place and just like everything… to live.

Finally, I just had a blog that actually made sense.

1 bottle & 2 shots.

Loud noise...

Fun and boisterous laughs,

Complimentary jeers,

And just plainly hanging out.

The good rock symphonies of the road was all it took to dance the night off, we chatted and strolled about the entire party-filled street for it was after all, a Mardi Gras-themed festivity.

To end it all up, from 9 people come by 3. Filling our guts with liquor and booze… The talk a lengthy for a couple of minutes… a bottle of tonic gin to wave away time and 2 shots of tequila for the road. I had nothing to say but a good smile in my face curving up, and a good bubbly feeling in my head.

Vertigo-like. Head stomper.