And so it goes on...

No longer there,
Not anymore,
No more than it seems,
Long gone that was before.

Words Of A Dying Son.

Tell me I’ve lost my mind for thoughts I have none,

Tell me I’ve had it worst for what feels now is no better,

Tell me I am no lesser than a fool to have such debauchery,

Tell me; tell me of such ruin you unrepentantly swore.

Words turned actions of such crass,

That at ounce reaps the soul apart,

Tell me of those thoughts you spoke,

Have you paused and wondered or even care that those might hurt?!?

Tell me now who is aggrieved!? That one left to ruin or the one saying!?

Tell me to clear my assumptions, what proof you want to show!? Where is this leading!?

Tell me; explain some more, why are you doing this!?

To shame me, to ruin those you dislike just because of something you can’t accept!

But have you asked?! Have you done query of your own!?

Have you pondered deep to what may happen!?

Have you tried emptying your cup!? To understand and consider?!

Have you ever tried to at least listen?!

I am tired, I grow stone.

The child battered, he lay wasted & sore.

He wanted to scream and cry but no tears flow & no voice dare to sigh.

For what is left is an empty core; cold, dark & hollow.

Those 3 Words.

That one reason I hope you knew…

The very reason I rarely do say those 3 words.

Now that I do, here’s that reason why…

I say the words, “I Love You”.

Not because I want you to hear me say them loud,

Not because it would mean as much as you’d mean it,

Not because I keep pushing myself to say it,

And most, not for having you will I only say them at all.

I utter those words ‘coz I know they mean so much to you and that’s how much I’d mean them to.

An Elegy, The Prelude.

It is never easy,

Seeing you like this, kept to yourself, slowly fading,

Where have you gone? Have I made it too far?!

Pushing you, shoving you away!?

It is never easy,

No one told us it would be this hard,

I’m losing you like a funeral soon to close,

I tried to make it, to give you what you needed. Where have I missed?!

It is never easy,

To feel you far, to know you’re being distant,

Even more divided than miles, than dreams and the tick of time.

It is never easy to not have you as before.

All these in my head, telling me to give up,

All these thoughts reeling in like frost-bitten emotion cursing,

It is never easy to hear from you,

It is never easy to pretend I was fine.

I found my own recluse, to lay silent at night,

Shed tears, never thought it’d hurt to know you are suffering,

It is never easy sensing your pain, you are part of me, and I too feel how it’s like,

Is this how we mend it!? Ignorance, absence and mistaken emotions!?

I have damaged you beyond repair,

But who would break between us both,

The calloused heart or the inadvertent stabber!?

I only tried to make it right, but whatever I do seems to impair you even more.

I ask my faith, weary I am not for I am hopeful,

I ask my sanity, confused that each day I pretend to smile,

I ask myself, to know that I have the strength to keep going,

I could ask you why but those feelings are gone, lost and broken. That’s my answer.

It is never easy… To feel you emotionally die.

Wake Up There Is Hope

The sun'll come out tomorrow
Bet your bottom dollar that tomorrow there'll be sun
Just thinkin' about tomorrow
Clear away the cobwebs and the sorrow till' there's none

When I'm stuck with a day that's grey and lonely
I just stick up my chin and grin and say oh

The sun'll come out tomorrow
So you got to hang on till' tomorrow, come what may!
Tomorrow, tomorrow, I love ya, tomorrow
You're only a day away!

When I'm stuck with a day that's gray and lonely
I just stick up my chin and grin and say....

The sun'll come out tomorrow
So you got to hang on till' tomorrow, come what may!
Tomorrow, tomorrow, I love ya tomorrow
You're always a day away

Tomorrow, tomorrow, I love ya tomorrow
You're always a day away ...

-          Annie, Tomorrow (Metrolyrics.com)

Just Pause.

For I have grown so weary and all I needed was a big space to gather my thoughts,

“The heart and the mind are 2 different persons, they never worked together, and they seem to be always at war. Yet figures as they are, they’re yours, within you and at your control… You just have to choose which one suits best, it may take time, it may hurt many and it may even be your hurt as well but you’ll know it, you’ll feel it… That time is when you are at peace.”

My Darkness.

To hear your voice broken,

The sound of an aching heart,

A whimpering kid inside,

Beaten up & refused of love.

Feeble and cold from my fears,

Slowly your grasp drifting away,

What more can I say,

Just to have you stay.

I know you need be the one,

And for now all I can give you is time and affection,

Life and the future, for us is unknown,

I don’t know what else to do, I fear losing you.

Your voice scares me when you’re angry,

But what hurts me is the silence of loneliness within that whisper,

Unsaid thoughts growing in vain,

Slowly tearing you out, killing your heart.

I am the disease you never wanted,

I am the source of your pain,

I only wanted to be your joy,

The reason for your smile, that smile I always love.

I have grown sad and weary,

Since you doubted your feelings,

I don’t blame you for it is my fault,

I led you on to an abyss and not the heaven.

You are not selfish, you deserve well,

You are the nicest of them all, truly the only one,

You don’t deserve me, my life is trouble.

You are an angel; I seem to be your burden.

Is this a plea??! A desperate scream to hold on!?

I am unworthy of your love for I seem to be hurting you much.

I feel you. I hurt you badly.

2.27.14 9:38pm

The Drive.

It was one of those moments, fast, sudden and just a boost of adrenaline… A want turned need, something so spontaneous and out of the blue.

An impulse.

I know, I am never a stranger to that kind of random idealism nor does it make me a commoner to such that it becomes my nature.

And there I was, half overjoyed the other frantic for what consequences lays on thereafter but my mind was set, I pushed the gas and off I go, the sweet smell of freshly dug soil was everywhere, the wind a rustle to my hair as if physics were to explain aerodynamics I’d be in a very scientific ride. I looked at the gas meter, finding myself close to nothing but I said, what gives. As I drove on, all these thoughts play like music in a broken radio, these tunes coming in every differed note at different bars and pitch, I chose to lay silent, to not make any sound only the open car window and the empty passenger seat beside was my company, thoughts reeling in my head and realizations smothering me.

I reached the place I wanted to be. The place which I gave grown fond with. That place where I welcome those I love and at the same time hate to be when they say goodbye.

The smell of greens everywhere hides the black asphalt that serves its purpose; the sweet serenade of the howling wind covers the emotions every person in that place felt. The airport was busy yet there was a rather soulful silence or was it just me exaggerating the situation I am in. I stopped and stared at the view, the day was almost over the sky painted in orange, the sky clears of cirrus streaks and at that moment I succumbed to nostalgia. I wondered, mind, body, heart and soul… I was lost in the view yet somehow knowing I was intact to feel the breeze, to smell the soil, to listen to the leaves and see life.

I was waiting for a plane to land or even take-off but I guess was not on schedule, instead I sat back and felt the brashness of where I was at that time. I breathed in and released tension.

By now, I have grown weary not because I might find myself in trouble when I get home but I felt the stare of common folks by the gates of the airport wondering what this random black car is doing outside the airport!? With the occupant barely dressed in tank top and an overly worn out pair of shorts, say I was kind of very suspicious looking. So, I went back in and drove the hell out of the premises, I was kind of standing and moving back and forth, in and out of the car for some close of 15 minutes maybe that’s why I raise the suspicion.

As I swerved and turned my way home, it hit me, that in life taking chances really is scary, that impulse is both exhilarating and also panic-worthy, you may find yourself torn between what is easy and the one that is hard. After all, it is your choice.

I wish I was that brave. I wish.

In all, I came home with my mom and brother already there just in time before they closed the garage gate, they asked where I was, being the good actor (not always) and as carefree as one word I made my way back in. I was smiling and thoughtful too of all the new things and issues that dawned on me, things I have yet to settle with, links I have to strengthen, bonds to break and habits to change and some to nurture.

It was a good drive. An unintelligent yet enlightening urge of being impetuous.

Until the next drive of chance.

P.S.

Guess, I’m back to blogging. It is good to be back! J

Travel Wishes, Long Overdue.

Friendship is built with trust, honesty and the gift of company. I know this letter is long overdue and for some reason it has served its purpose but I think things are never too late as to wonder why there are certain people that would come in our lives worthy to become part of it eternally. My good friend, I never tire of listening to your rants, the whimpering nature of your emotions neither do I hate how you scowl at life testing you nor how scornful you can be with love. I have been there at times maybe not too many to lend an ear to all the crazy shit we can do and have done together… mostly, eating. We hated our enemies and may God forgive us with that, shared our life, complain on how we screw up or even vent on those making our day a bum. Either way, I will and ever treasure every piece of memory we had and now as this sweet journey of yours has finally began let this be something of thought…

“As the traveler who has once been from home is wiser than he who has never left his own doorstep, so a knowledge of one other culture should sharpen our ability to scrutinize more steadily, to appreciate more lovingly, our own.” – Margaret Mead

We are all travelers in our own way, lead on an experience more friends, feel all those wanted emotions and miss all those you love but never forget for where you came and be that a place where you can call home. We may be far reached apart with miles and not just kilometers by my dear sweet friend, distance is not our enemy but a stronghold of time that as long as we share chatter once in awhile and growing up every day to share more experiences I believe our friendship will never end and just like how we say it… Everything in life, unclear for now… Someday, somehow everything’s gonna make sense.

All my best of wishes and the sweetest of luck to you my dear friend.

Bon Voyage: Good tidings for a friend.

At this point in time, you will be reading this and wondering why on earth I would let you open this at the very instant you travel to where you’re heading. You want to know why!? First, I wouldn’t be really the Kevin you know if I haven’t done this, exotically exquisite endeavor, Second, at least at one wish my presence would be there by your side feeling the sense that I am going to Australia with you as if chatting to you nonchalantly as we cross borders and time zones, and Third, I just love the drama of you opening this and maybe imagining by now how sob-worthy can this letter be.

All the way, enjoy!

“But that's the glory of foreign travel, as far as I am concerned. I don't want to know what people are talking about. I can't think of anything that excites a greater sense of childlike wonder than to be in a country where you are ignorant of almost everything. Suddenly you are five years old again. You can't read anything, you have only the most rudimentary sense of how things work, and you can't even reliably cross a street without endangering your life. Your whole existence becomes a series of interesting guesses.” 
― Bill Bryson, Neither Here Nor There: Travels in Europe

Life is like a book; every chapter is a new journey and for every page we read through is a continuous thought of the entire story that has yet to unfold. In reality, we all are travelers, waking up everyday to start a new voyage, traversing the very deeps of challenges and gaining experiences from mistakes. Our ancestors as we all know are travelers themselves, what would we be if aren’t for them surviving the ice age but I am not here nor this letter was made to bore you with some paleo-archaelogic grammar history?!  Was it!?

This is a letter from me to you, of friends between friends and people of who dearly acquainted with just meekly wishing a dear one to celebrate good tidings as one travels.

And so here goes,

I thank you for all the times we can just sit randomly alone, remember that time in sophie college days when we were all by ourselves at the amphitheatre behind the eng’g building!? It all started there, at that point I found a confidant, whom I can talk my views about our own group of mixed company without feeling ostracized of my opinions may it be to adhere or against them. I found a friend I trust and yes, at that point and the years next I trusted you more than anyone else in our group.

I am happy to have met you and couldn’t be gladder that we shared so much and even sharing a part of your life. I could be honest now, have I felt intimidated by you when we actually started conversing and even at times at work not because I was insecure but your intense show of devotion and passion for life is indescribable (yes, I might be exaggerating my compliments just let it be for it is of rare occasions). You showed no scrutiny of kindness and for some similar personality we share, we both are martyrs on group works especially at school. It is a given fact of blasé leadership to carry on no matter what even if it hurts just for the team.

You are for many is an inspiration, you made me understand how it is to become a sibling as I considered you a sister, I thought I had and seeing the sibling of my own to you. You taught me unintentionally of family, good friends and people maybe not of same bloodline to understand me.

I was telling myself to write a longer note but it hit on me that I need not make many more inexpressible conjunctions but just go simple as the way this letter talks of a simple person, an esteemed colleague and friend dear to me.

But there are just things I need say,

One, don’t forget to instagram. I know, I am not asking you to have it done the moment you get there and it may take you ages to do it but that one request fulfilled will surely be a happy curve written on my face.

Two, life befalls us true dwellings of challenges and I wish you my best of good luck.

Three, in years to past and many will that my friendship with you will never change as the tides recede and heightened at sea shall my own company of you remains still.

And maybe just so lastly, bon voyage for a good travel of changing pavements, wishes for trials that come, gratitude for blessing that shower and smiles for new companions made, after all you have and will always be that cheerful sweet friend dear to me.

And when troubled as endearing as your faith from dear Almighty, look up when you are down, sit and be still, lay on in darkness ‘coz his light of hope will shine within you to give you peace on this long journey.

Yours,

Kevin.

A Second, A Minute & then NOW.

I cleared my throat, absent with thoughts.

I never looked back, the emotions seemed lost.

The place felt dimmer, blank & cold.

Groans and rickety screams filled the air.

I am not that strong enough, to let or even shed one.

I hope the wind catches it for me, or just maybe the grass gains with it.

Cause just a second ago, I was in your arms.

A minute more I can feel your smile.

Yet here I am now, left alone.

Sense.

The coarse wood, the deafening bell… There is silence yet the chimes of hymns a melancholic noise. 

That one point of clarity. I have faith, or at least I still have it and that my life makes sense.

I look up above and I ask none of too many wishes ought saying, I pondered on and all I hear are voices of a physical world. So I prayed and prayed even more. 

All Significantly Foolish.

It was almost 10:00pm, just a few more minutes until it strike and say, I’m way past my bedtime. Thoughts in a twirl of hexagonal proportions like that double helix structure of a DNA strand, everything seem so complex yet somehow simple as a whole. I was not making sense of myself and so I went out, the keys dangling in my pocket, the slight move of my legs echoing the ringing of the clutch. The engine starts…

3 hours later… 1:18am. Monday.

Finding my lonesome self in a blank space with my reflections waiting to unfold right before my eyes slowly getting filled with stuff I don’t even know existed or at least they try to not exist at all.

At times I would look at my true mirror image and see that emotions lay hidden surrounded by skin and muscles, flat and mystified, I haven’t seen that kind of being in years… I was pretty sure that I was looking adamant of everything.

But I was scorned, always has been much to my own dismay.

And so what I can do best is try to just regain sanity like I always do, sigh and think what I should be saying right.

So here goes…

Have you ever dreamed of a place only made of two?

I would be foolish if I haven’t thought of a place where I can just be myself and care no more,

A green meadow where I can just lay down, watch the sky and admire,

Eyes closed, breathing in fresh air, feeling the wind as it kisses your cheeks.

Where we can be what we are without bounds… utopia? Not really.

Some place in some time where everything else is normal.

A place unimagined, a place not just a figure of speech.

Where there is solace, where there is… Us.

Never used that word… like ever in my lifetime. Just now. Or maybe for some time.

“Remember the first time we held each other, how magical it was… I’m over exaggerating, it was decent and sweet. You know what I felt? You never knew. It was more than just rage from being broken hearted; I never thought something so sweet like that was lost long ago from some promiscuous adventure. I was feeling stupid but I can’t help feeling that what I have now is different, doubts maybe I’ve had during those times but I was stuck every time our skin drew close, feeling somebody’s own body stranger to my warmth as I have on my own embracing me, that amidst the mix hysteria of hormones and desires are two beings coiled as one.”

And here I am driving in my own car going nowhere, completely sane and murmuring words.

I wanted to create a world for us, just the two of us.

A place where we can live at peace and care nothing what the world may say.

But it is no feat without hardships, every day we struggle… I survive.

So simple yet so elegantly complicated to contend with.

I’m never a fan of hiding as much as I enjoy it, with that I want to see everything.

I’ve always kept secrets and even those of my own,

Some lost and forgotten while others start to unfurl,

In my life, things may look like they are somewhere behind the fog… Unknown.

But there are times we have to do something, to protect not only ours but also what surrounds,

What make a man that he is are the choices that make his decisions in the end.

I can share more of what I was feeling the whole time but those emotions are long gone as with the time it has got acquainted with. The clock strikes 1:55am and this I guess is one sleepless night in all years I stayed up. The longest perhaps. But what makes of us!?

All I just want to say is every time I have you close, I have my world.

Where I can think of none but us, where I can do what I want.

That in those moments i tell myself that this is no dream, that every single touch is real.

I am awake, I feel you and it feels good and it’s all I can think about.

I didn’t want to leave even if reality is catching up on something real.

All I can do is show comparison but there was a world within that world.

A place within a square of a dome, senseless yet distinctively poignant.

Dead among the walls, alive for those who dwells.

I can’t say more… I have dug deep enough. The beating is far too mournful to bear. These are the words I should feel, as the feelings should words be saying.

This Is What I Feel.

I’m sore not because I’m sick or barely am,

I’m hurt not because you seem right,

I feel lost not because the answers are present,

But I’m entirely just here to voice out words I can’t seem to express.

I want to strangle myself when you’re right,

I don’t even want to say something ‘coz we might fight,

I’m clueless at times when I just wander off when you say your mind,

It pains me to be just not enough for your plight.

I think I’m too selfish or maybe I am,

But I’m doing these to make sure, at least, i can be right.

I can’t be too truthful nor even less, but sometimes it is just for the best.

It may turn out that we’re cowering from everyone, but I’m making a world for our own.

I envy you and yes you may be against of which, as you are not much or less of who you deem to be.

It’s not that I can’t be who I am but this is what I was and will ever be,

Reciprocated, confused and far too impregnable, we differ from 1 to Z.

I am just trying to make a place for us, don’t you see?!

I don’t want to regret all the things made,

I don’t even want to say what I should have and shouldn’t have done,

I don’t to push on things I can’t be in control of,

Nor do I even want to gain more of what I had enough.

I’m sorry if this is what it is, sometimes I ask myself what have I miss?? Am I really ready for this??

Easy and simple things may look on your point of view,

But I can’t grab the fact that this is so not true,

Questions that say more answers than actual answers making sense. This was never my expertise.

I don’t want to look back of what we have then and now,

I don’t like comparing ‘coz it’s just stupid, yes it is.

I want to live every moment, just live it by.

I’m scared of the future, but I’m living now just to prove I ain’t dead.

In all, I don’t blame you for saying what you feel,

I just hate myself but I need not say more,

I want everything to be what they are; just the same, unchanged if needed so,

Just how they’re supposed to be, even if it takes so much from me, the thing is… Everyone is happy.

Lemons

Don’t be a fool for the color seems tangy,

Mistake the coarseness for naturally bestowed smooth,

Simple yet expensive, a luxury thought of.

And a delight for those palatable skill that which food is creation.

But I do not speak of that is bound eaten.

I yearned for its oddity, displayed.

A few consider some adjective to praise on.

Suffice; I am but somebody allegorically as explained.

Supple and sweet your affection, bright yellow.

Even those unblessed with sight, smiles.

That’d seem to come from its humble abode.

Flaky like snow, elegant among all.

But one of thought deem to query,

A coat of crudely fashion, I wear.

Of such expensive gift to know,

In its entirety, at use none of all wasted… No.

Saccharine in it’s ripen form; yet sour for a tongues delight.

Feelings that come certain yet toughened to wedge inside.

From all may think that embodies the whole is bitter loving,

But the complexity of what it has, a plenty to exploit.

What luck then I have considered of all qualities true,

To define, to know of what I admire from this petty yellow fruit.

That one he is maybe kind, yet one has to strive for the better part.

A grind too acrid, a squeeze maybe right.

Just Because I LOVE to WANT things I LIKE.

Just because I am in my depressive unemployed status I told myself while lying on bed this afternoon trying my best to fall asleep but my mind had thoughts of its own decided to think of all possible reasons for me not to doze off and so this blog entry is the product of such inter-synapse business affair.

I need a job. (That surely is one thing I plea for)

I like getting a sudden hug but not too long.

I want a bouquet of flowers for me and make sure I have something to place them into.

I want new clothes.

I love shopping.

I love going out of town.

I love the feel of afternoon beach sand all over my feet.

I like the smell of fresh tilted soil, a little damp from the night’s rain.

I want to get what I want.

I want to eat without worrying of getting fat.

I want to have those adorable beach bodies that I aspire to.

I like trying out new stuff.

I want to be around famous people.

I want to be famous, sort of even just for a day maybe a week or a month.

I want to be remembered for something amazing I did.

I want to get noticed somehow even sometimes it makes me vain and whore-ish for attention.

I like ice cream.

I love watching sunsets.

I love trekking but not those vertical heights just the one with paved paths at least.

I love blogging even if it takes me forever to update another entry.

I love taking pictures of stuff that interest me sometimes even an ant crawling its way to the brood.

I love selfies.

I like reunions, parties and gatherings as long as it involves food in it.

I like joining party games especially those for kids.

I love hitting the piñata.

I like good looking people, those who look after themselves.

I love watching romance movies.

I like reading books.

I like going up the roof and sit there every night and just let the dark surround me in silence.

I want to circle the world.

I want to meet all my facebook friends.

I like reading horoscopes.

I love doing anything in random.

I like surprising people.

I love long walks and talks at the same time.

I love just sitting quiet.

I love being noisy if the situation permits.

I like drinking milk tea.

I want to teach.

I want to be a noble prize winner.

I want to do without worrying what other people would say or think about of me.

I want to be happy.

I want to be an astronaut.

I want to write at least a best-selling novel.

I want to get gifts not for the effort but one has thought about it.

I want to be surprised that I don’t know what to do.

I want to just keep on moving.

I want to finish something I started.

I want to meet my favorite celebrities one day.

I want to be in a red carpet premiere.

I want to eat in a very expensive yet very worthy restaurant.

I want to have my own desk.

I want something written about me in a magazine not hate notes.

I want my own house.

I want to have everything I see at that moment that I like.

I’m sure I will have lots and lots of things to like, those I love and all that I really want but darn it would take ages to tell them all but here’s one…

When I say, ‘’I like that’’ suffice to say, ‘’I want that’’.

Above all,

I love myself.

One thing though, the blog picture does not make sense with the whole “I want, I love and I like that’’ blabs I did maybe so it gives the whole blog entry a little panache. Just Saying.